To My Friends.. A Confession..

I want to address this blog to my close circle of friends. The ones who have been there for me the past fifteen plus years.. You all know who you are, and to keep from having to call each of you individually to explain, here is the condensed version.
In 2001 I was married. Just to give a little insight on this, many of my close friends were against it. Even as late as one hour before the ceremony, two of my best friends took me out of the church and asked me if I was sure of what I was doing. I told them I was happy and I wanted to go through with it. I lied to them.
At the time I weighed 450 lbs. What was going through my mind at the time was totally selfish. I  thought at the time I was going to die soon. I had been through several bouts of congestive heart failure, and to put it simply I didn't want to die alone. Even if it meant being married to a woman I didn't love, In my mind I didn't want to be alone in the end.
Admitting this to everyone is hard. My close friends thought I was out of my mind. I was. I wasn't blinded by love I was consumed by selfishness. Its no secret to my friends how the relationship was. They would tell me their concerns and I would promptly dismiss them. But being the good friends they were, they stuck by me anyway.
I feel I need to address this because my friends to me are like family. Growing up as an only child you really learn to value your friends.  My closest circle of friends, Josh Ben Ross Matt and Ernie are my brothers. Each of them voiced their concerns and I ignored them. For that I'm truly sorry.
Admitting you're in a loveless marriage is hard. Mostly because of ego but mostly from selfishness. When I had gastric bypass my life changed. I had a new lease on life, but still my marriage wax there. It took until 2006 to finally get the courage to leave. At that time I knew it would get ugly, and it did. in  that time, I fell in love. I fell in love with one of the sweetest girls I'm the world. But, my drinking being what it was, I pushed her away. I broke a precious heart who wanted nothing but my love, and all I gave her was misery. For that I'm truly sorry and have learned it must not happen again.
In closing I want my friends to know this. I did hear what you all were saying but I chose not to listen. It was selfish of me and from the bottom of my heart, I apologize. You all mean so much to me, and without you all I don't think I could have made it through the rough times.
I truly do love each one of you..

Marriage, Break-Ups, and Everything In-Between..

After a very productive morning at church praying for my friends, family, and everything else.. I need to express some things and get them off my chest. I have a really close friend, and yes he will read this, but he shall remain anonymous.. He and I had a long conversation last night and then a little while today. He is in a bad situation right now. His wife of 10 years packed up and left him. The only thing she left was their daughter. I talked to her last night also, and she is not abandoning her daughter, but did not want to upset her daughter's routine for a couple of days. Normally I wouldn't involve myself in a situation like this, but the two of them have been really good to me the past several years, helping me through my divorce by offering me anything I needed. Luckily I didn't need their help, but they would both do anything for me.

I have watched the two of them at each others throats the past month. I have been an outside observer and they both confide in me. I know the real story of their situation, but I will not let on that I do until one of them admits it. The one who will ultimately suffer the most in this situation is their daughter. She hears and sees mommy and daddy arguing, and she starts to cry. Uncle Andy here had the good luck of being there for one of their arguments, and all I could do was pick up their 3 year old daughter and hold her tight while mommy and daddy had their little scream fest.

The only bright spot in their arguing is there is no physical abuse going on. She would tell me if their was, and so would he. They both know how I feel about domestic violence, and they know I could tell if it was going on. Still, this has to stop between them. Their daughter needs them.

The whole ironic thing about this situation is this. They both told me how I needed to quickly rebound from my divorce and go out and find the next Mrs. Andy. This was 3 years ago. They both tell me that I'll be so happy, and I need to get married and have a whole boat load of kids. These things were said as recently as 2 weeks ago. I really believe they say these things for only one reason. They miss being single and dating. They miss having a social life, and not having to answer to anyone.

Now, don't get me wrong on this. I would love to be married to the RIGHT woman, be a good father, and settle sown. That will all come in God's time, not mine. When He is ready for me to settle down and commit, it will happen. I absolutely refuse to go out on a wife hunt or be set up on blind dates just because my friends think i'm lonely. There are no bills, my house is paid for and rented out, and I am happy. My life is drama free, and I really like it that way. God has someone for me, but not right now. I have several things in my life to accomplish before that happens..

So if any of you read this and it hits home in a good way, i'll be happy..