Concession Speech

I've titled this entry as my "concession speech".  You may be wondering why I would choose this title, well sit tight and I will tell you the backstory..


In a snapshot, ever since I was a child starting at age 7, I began having problems with my weight.  I remember the winters of both 77 and 78 being the times when my weight began to really rise.  I was home for months at a time due to the snow, and all there was to do was eat.  No cell phone, no internet, just a stereo, black and white tv with 3 stations, books, and my best friend growing up..  The refrigerator..  All there was to do was eat.  I ate, and ate, and ate at times until I was sick.  Mostly I ate out of boredom at first, but it wasn't long until food became my comfort and escape.


Fast forward to age 13.  I was smack dab in the middle of puberty, and still struggling with my weight.  I was in the 8th grade, and I weighed 250 lbs..  My current weight.  About this same time, I was really curious about females.  I didn't have a girlfriend, but the opportunities would   arise when I would want to be around them in a social setting..  So here enters my buffer.  I was shy around girls, and self conscious about my weight.  I found out quickly that alcohol was the ultimate social lubricant.  So, I drank to fit in.  Something else happened..  I began to have courage, and I was all of a sudden able to talk to (or, spit game) to women.  This at age 13 was a valuable tool, but it came with aa attachment.  The ONLY time I felt comfortable around girls was when there was alcohol was around.  This continued into college, and then into adulthood.


One year ago, Nov 13th to be exact, I was arrested for DUI 2nd.  This was par for the course when it comes to my behavior.  I had almost 6 months sobriety under my belt, and I chose to have 1 (ONE) drink on a date.  Here was my thought pattern that led up to this decision.  She was 28, gorgeous, intelligent, sweet, you name it.  I felt very nervous being on a date with her.  I was intimidated for 2 reasons.  One, she asked me out, and two, I STILL felt so self conscious about myself that when the hostess asked if we wanted any drinks before we order, we said yes.  Before I go any further, I want to say that she can't be faulted here..  I never revealed to her my past alcoholism, nor did I share my nervousness with her.  This was all my fault.  I accept full responsibility for my actions.  There was no stressful incident to trigger this, no flashbacks, no trauma.  Just me wanting to loosen up about being out with a beautiful woman.


When the date was over, I had already reverted back to my old habits.  I was sneaking off to the bathroom, and walking by the bar and ordering double shots of Absolut.  By the time dinner was over, I found myself out in the parking lot, being asked the following question, "Do you want to come over and watch a movie??".  Any red blooded American single man (especially a 42 year old) would have jumped at the chance to go back.  But, the old thinking had already taken over.  I told her it was too late and I couldn't, but we would do this again some other time.  I had other things in mind.  She was about 5' 5", about 120 lbs, sandy brown light curly hair, beautiful green eyes, a wide inviting and beautiful smile.  I didn't notice that at the time.  All I was fixated on was the big Liquor Barn sign over her left shoulder across the road..  Once she left, I made a bee line across the street.  I purchased 2 fifths of Grey Goose, and headed home.  She was a distant memory very soon.  All I wanted was more of the juice that had made me feel so good..


 Fast forward to now.  I have spent the past year on a personal journey of discovery.  I had to once and for all put behind me the old person I once was.  Gone now is the selfish, self centered boy, and now, only by the grace of God, is a forgiving and loving man to take his place.  This easy to sit back and day, also easy to write, but when it comes down to it, it has to be walked!  If any of us want to truly change, we have to walk it.  Like the old saying says, if youre gonna talk the talk, walk the walk.  By the grace of God, I try to walk the walk every day. 


This isn't a cure all though..  It has to be practiced each and every day to be fully realized.  I have to have this new forgiving and loving attitude every day, or I will wind up right back where I began.  I don't want to go back there.


The reason why I called this a concession speech is this..  My old lifestyle and thought processes are gone.  I have conceded my old life.  I don't miss anything about it, and I am very blessed for what I now have:


                                                       Peace........

Knowing When To Quit..

Someone once said that mistakes are lessons that you learn. It's hard to grasp that concept, but for the first time I truly have.

I have discovered that a friendship that blossoms into a relationship has many pitfalls. There's jealousy, envy, worry just to name a few. Plus, there is the fear of telling a friend exactly what they need to hear. In a friendship, a good friend will tell you what you want to hear and what you don't want to hear. In a relationship, that is hard when you have feelings for the other person.

Ive learned an important lesson. I can't do that right now. Not to say there arent any feelings for her anymore, because there are. But the friendship needs to be preserved, because she (who shall remain nameless for her privacy;) is probably one of the smartest, sweetest, most beautiful people Ive ever met. I cant expect things to be perfect all of the time, and neither can she. Thankfully we both realize this and we both can learn from it and move on.

Not to say it doesn't hurt.. It does. But, as an adult, I realize that things will be better and we will remain friends. I wish I had this wisdom earlier in my life, but like everything else these things take time. Growth takes time..
Andy

Fear and Recovery

For many years, I have been afraid. Many people have normal every day fears, but I take it to the extreme.. I have fear of being hurt. I have a bad bad fear of being hurt in a relationship. That leads to lack of trust and a whole list of issues..

Last night, a beautiful friendship about 2 years in the making went that extra step.. Of course me being an insecure man, I didn't see it coming, and if you haven't guessed yet, I didn't make the first move.

I operate in fear. I operate on the premise that things are going to go wrong. I also have low self esteem. I have a very beautiful, very sweet, very smart friend who is someone I can call at a moment's notice.. She is everything you would want in a friend. Last night, it went that one step further. Today, i've been walking around like a giddy teenager, but I also have that nagging feeling that I'm gonna do something to screw this up.

I have told her this, and her answer was, "you cant walk around with your head buried in the sand any longer.." She was right. I can't. But the feelings of impending doom are there. Knowing my past history when it comes to relationships, I have it there. It also doesn't help matters to know that whenever we are out together, she is being looked at because she is beautiful. It's not jealousy on my part, it's feeling so undeserving of anything good.

I have to work on the self esteem. I want to feel deserving. I told her last night how I didn't deserve to have her in my life. Her reply was, "I feel at times like I don't deserve you.."....

Wish me luck!! Andy

Amy's Story.. Plant a Simple Seed..

Please click on this link www.plantasimpleseed.blogspot.com .. This is Amy's story.. Read it, and please pass it along.. It is sad, but inspiring.. Andy

Changing My Life.. Rules To Live By..

In the past few months, I have become involved in a program called Men's Fraternity. It's a faith based program about being a man in the eyes of God. Among some of the reading material is a book by Andy Andrews called "Mastering the Seven Decisions". This book has been a real eye opener for me. I never ever read an inspirational book in my life (besides the Bible and AA Big Book). This book puts in simple terms what changes need to take place in my life for me to ever be successful.
Seven Easy Steps:
1-The Buck Stops Here-I am responsible for my past and my future.

2- I Will Seek Wisdom- My past will never change, but my actions today will change my future.

3-I Am A Person Of Action-I will create a new future by creating a new me.

4-I Have A Decided Heart- I will be passionate about my vision of the future.

5-Today, I Choose To Be Happy- My happiness is my choice. I alone choose my emotions and responses.

6-I Will Greet This Day With A Forgiving Spirit-I will forgive those who don't even ask for forgiveness.

7-I Will Persist Without Exception- I will stay focused even through the pain on my long term goal-happiness.

These sound simple. They are simple. They have to be my guidelines to achieve my long term goal-happiness. For so long, I was in a depression that I never ever thought I would ever get out of. I kept on drinking, hurting the ones I loved, and started to slowly kill myself with my lifestyle. I had no hope in sight. I prayed one night three simple words, "God Help Me". He has. He has given me some insight into my own life, and guided me to people who have been such a big help in my life the past 3 months.
I would like to mention 3 of my mentors in this area of instruction. Dave Harris, Mark Miller, and Mitch Barnhart. They are three good Christian men who have had their own struggles in life, and have used these seven steps to aid them in their lives. And thanks to God, they are willing to share their success with myself and others..
More to follow....Andy

How You Hurt The Ones You Love..

Has anyone ever said anything hurtful to someone they love? I'm not talking about family, i'm talking about someone special in their life. Someone who you consider a friend, lover, and an overall sweet soul? We all say hurtful things. But, do we ever stop and put ourselves in that person's shoes? Wonder what an impact those hurtful things have on that person?
Recently, I was asked to write an empathy letter. For those not familiar with this, you write a letter from someone's viewpoint that you have hurt. After you write the letter, you look at it, and there it is in black and white just exactly what, in your own opinion, the other person was thinking. This was an interesting exercise. I wrote the letter, which took about two hours to complete, and there was the ugly truth staring back at me. If finally hit me what I had done. This letter wasn't about my ex-wife, it was about a woman who was with me through my seperation and my divorce. She was also there for some of the ugliest incidences of my drinking.
I won't mention her name, but she will know from reading this. This sweet, beautiful, caring person came into my life long before my divorce as an acquaintance. I knew her many years before we started dating. She is happy, bubbly, quick-witted, and over-all, probably one of the kindest, most caring people I know. The side I know of her is very loving, passionate, considerate, and so wonderful to be around. She's the type of person that when she leaves the room, the fun seems to go right along with her. She's the one you start missing even before she has left the room. She can definitely make you smile no matter what mood you are in with just a look or a laugh. She also has the most beautiful smile i've ever seen....
Now, for the flip side of this story. Any man in his right mind would give his right hand to have a woman like this in his life. But, I didn't. I was so self centered, selfish, and consumed with my own wants and "needs" at the time that I totally ignored her and used her. I took for granted the love and attention she was giving me. Time after time, I would be consumed with my own addiction to alcohol, and I would purposefully hide from her. I wanted to drink instead of be anywhere near her. Many times, I saw tears in her eyes, knowing I had caused them, and I didn't care. All I was concerned with was getting away from her so I could drink. I never ever dreamed I could be like this to anyone.... But, I was.
She finally after a while had had enough, and she left. Rightly so. She left with a broken heart, and I kept right on drinking. How could someone do something like that to someone that special? It's easy. It's called being Self Centered. It is called being selfish. No one should have to put themselves through something like that for another person. But she did. Even after things I said and did, she still loved me enough to stick around. Until the day came when she had enough.
Now back to the empathy letter. I wrote the letter, and I read it often. It is one of the reminders of what my life was like, and a reminder of something I don't want to return to. Hindsight is 20-20, but mistakes like that one become lessons. The lesson learned? I must love God first, then love myself, before I can love anyone else. Loving myself is not drinking, putting other's wants and needs first, and giving to others what has so freely been given to me.. Love.
I hope this blog was helpful. And now a small message to the person i'm writing about. I know sorry's don't make things right. I know all you ever wanted was to be loved, and I didn't. I want to show you the letter sometime so you can see that I do understand now what you went through. And finally, the only true way I can ever give you back the love you gave me is by doing what I am doing now. Living a peaceful, love filled existance and doing something you taught me.. How to love others even when it is hard.... That is the lesson I learned from you....
Thanks for reading this everyone.. Andy

Truth Time.. A Life Renewed.. Cleaning House, Mending Fences, & Enjoying Life..

Well, it's been awhile since my last blog entry. I've had a lot of time to put things in perspective. Time to reflect, time to find what my true purpose in life is, and time to mend some broken relationships. Also in that, I include friendships, relationships, and also the new friendships I have begun.
I've learned that life is a balance of truth and grace. I've learned that too much of either one is a bad thing. Too much truth, and you make yourself and those around you miserable. Too much grace, and you're free to go about and do any reckless thing you want to do, consequences be damned. I will try to make this a good demonstration of both.
Truth Time:
Many of you know that I have had a struggle with my weight most of my life. I had gastric bypass surgery, and my addiction to food quickly turned to alcohol. I have been struggling actively with alcoholism now for about the past five years. The past 12 months have been the toughest. Last Memorial Day weekend (2010), I was hospitalized with an overdose of alcohol that almost proved lethal. I was admitted to St Joseph hospital in Lexington with acute alcohol poisoning. I was unresponsive upon arrival to the Emergency Room, and CPR was performed on me. I was in the ICU for 7 days following this. I awoke the following Friday to find myself restrained in the bed, on a ventilator with a tube im my lungs. The tube was being taken out, the restraints were removed, and I was in pain from pancreatitis. I still struggled with drinking off and on, and I finally have stopped. My selfishness was so great that I continued to drink even after this experience. I was not concerned about those who love me. I was worried about ME. Me and ME only. No concern for my parents or the women in my life who at first thought I was so sweet and kind, but when it came down to the woman or alcohol, alcohol won hands down. There was no contest. How many men do you know would sit there, have a beautiful, sweet woman tell them how much she loves them, and then turn right around and spit in the woman's face?? Many of you probably would think, "Andy wouldn't do that!!".. I DID. Not once, but about four times in the last 5 years. Yes, my life had come down to that.
Now, the Grace: I have had the opportunity to finally find what the root causes are of why I drank so much and why I was so addicted to food as comfort. I will share what I can of them later on, and some of them I won't. But it's safe to say, I have began healing. The healing hasn't been without pain. The pain is still there, but through God, prayer, meditation and good friends who suffer as I do, I no longer have to pick up a bottle to ease my pain.
I also had to realize that I am not the center of the universe. The world doesn't begin and end with me. I was so self centered and selfish that I didn't care who got in my way, I was going to drink. I was in a severe depression. I was finally able to snap out of the depression after many years.
Realizing all of this now made me wonder what my true calling in life was. I realize that the first half of my life as a firefighter-paramedic was to help out those in need. I now realize that I have a gift when it comes to helping those in need. In the process of cooking meals for the homeless and those who wouldn't otherwise have a good hot meal, I was finally able to humble myself and realize just how selfish I was. I first had to remember what Shakespeare meant when he said, "..to thine own self be true.." I have to love God first, then myself, only then I will be able to love others. I was always told by my friends I was loyal and a good listener. Now, i'm able to be a much better friend and an even better listener. Now I can truly be there for my friends and family 100% without any reservation.
Finally, I realized why I couldn't hold on to a relationship. What woman in her right mind would want to go for a boat ride on a sinking ship?? (Sorry, heard that one the other day thought it was funny) I have to love God and then myself before I could ever be any good to a woman. All I can say now is this.. I try not to run from relationships like I used to. When I'm smiled at, I smile back. I'm not afraid to open a door or pull out a chair. I'm not doing those things because they were burned into me as manners, I'm doing them because it is the right thing to do.
One last thing. Without mentioning names, there are going to be a few ladies who are going to read this and know that I am speaking of them. I want to take this opportunity to apologize for being selfish, insensitive, and uncaring. I will take time to apologize to you all.
Well, that just about does it for this blog entry.. More to come soon.... Andy