Well, it's been awhile since my last blog entry. I've had a lot of time to put things in perspective. Time to reflect, time to find what my true purpose in life is, and time to mend some broken relationships. Also in that, I include friendships, relationships, and also the new friendships I have begun.
I've learned that life is a balance of truth and grace. I've learned that too much of either one is a bad thing. Too much truth, and you make yourself and those around you miserable. Too much grace, and you're free to go about and do any reckless thing you want to do, consequences be damned. I will try to make this a good demonstration of both.
Truth Time:
Many of you know that I have had a struggle with my weight most of my life. I had gastric bypass surgery, and my addiction to food quickly turned to alcohol. I have been struggling actively with alcoholism now for about the past five years. The past 12 months have been the toughest. Last Memorial Day weekend (2010), I was hospitalized with an overdose of alcohol that almost proved lethal. I was admitted to St Joseph hospital in Lexington with acute alcohol poisoning. I was unresponsive upon arrival to the Emergency Room, and CPR was performed on me. I was in the ICU for 7 days following this. I awoke the following Friday to find myself restrained in the bed, on a ventilator with a tube im my lungs. The tube was being taken out, the restraints were removed, and I was in pain from pancreatitis. I still struggled with drinking off and on, and I finally have stopped. My selfishness was so great that I continued to drink even after this experience. I was not concerned about those who love me. I was worried about ME. Me and ME only. No concern for my parents or the women in my life who at first thought I was so sweet and kind, but when it came down to the woman or alcohol, alcohol won hands down. There was no contest. How many men do you know would sit there, have a beautiful, sweet woman tell them how much she loves them, and then turn right around and spit in the woman's face?? Many of you probably would think, "Andy wouldn't do that!!".. I DID. Not once, but about four times in the last 5 years. Yes, my life had come down to that.
Now, the Grace: I have had the opportunity to finally find what the root causes are of why I drank so much and why I was so addicted to food as comfort. I will share what I can of them later on, and some of them I won't. But it's safe to say, I have began healing. The healing hasn't been without pain. The pain is still there, but through God, prayer, meditation and good friends who suffer as I do, I no longer have to pick up a bottle to ease my pain.
I also had to realize that I am not the center of the universe. The world doesn't begin and end with me. I was so self centered and selfish that I didn't care who got in my way, I was going to drink. I was in a severe depression. I was finally able to snap out of the depression after many years.
Realizing all of this now made me wonder what my true calling in life was. I realize that the first half of my life as a firefighter-paramedic was to help out those in need. I now realize that I have a gift when it comes to helping those in need. In the process of cooking meals for the homeless and those who wouldn't otherwise have a good hot meal, I was finally able to humble myself and realize just how selfish I was. I first had to remember what Shakespeare meant when he said, "..to thine own self be true.." I have to love God first, then myself, only then I will be able to love others. I was always told by my friends I was loyal and a good listener. Now, i'm able to be a much better friend and an even better listener. Now I can truly be there for my friends and family 100% without any reservation.
Finally, I realized why I couldn't hold on to a relationship. What woman in her right mind would want to go for a boat ride on a sinking ship?? (Sorry, heard that one the other day thought it was funny) I have to love God and then myself before I could ever be any good to a woman. All I can say now is this.. I try not to run from relationships like I used to. When I'm smiled at, I smile back. I'm not afraid to open a door or pull out a chair. I'm not doing those things because they were burned into me as manners, I'm doing them because it is the right thing to do.
One last thing. Without mentioning names, there are going to be a few ladies who are going to read this and know that I am speaking of them. I want to take this opportunity to apologize for being selfish, insensitive, and uncaring. I will take time to apologize to you all.
Well, that just about does it for this blog entry.. More to come soon.... Andy
:)
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