I've titled this entry as my "concession speech". You may be wondering why I would choose this title, well sit tight and I will tell you the backstory..
In a snapshot, ever since I was a child starting at age 7, I began having problems with my weight. I remember the winters of both 77 and 78 being the times when my weight began to really rise. I was home for months at a time due to the snow, and all there was to do was eat. No cell phone, no internet, just a stereo, black and white tv with 3 stations, books, and my best friend growing up.. The refrigerator.. All there was to do was eat. I ate, and ate, and ate at times until I was sick. Mostly I ate out of boredom at first, but it wasn't long until food became my comfort and escape.
Fast forward to age 13. I was smack dab in the middle of puberty, and still struggling with my weight. I was in the 8th grade, and I weighed 250 lbs.. My current weight. About this same time, I was really curious about females. I didn't have a girlfriend, but the opportunities would arise when I would want to be around them in a social setting.. So here enters my buffer. I was shy around girls, and self conscious about my weight. I found out quickly that alcohol was the ultimate social lubricant. So, I drank to fit in. Something else happened.. I began to have courage, and I was all of a sudden able to talk to (or, spit game) to women. This at age 13 was a valuable tool, but it came with aa attachment. The ONLY time I felt comfortable around girls was when there was alcohol was around. This continued into college, and then into adulthood.
One year ago, Nov 13th to be exact, I was arrested for DUI 2nd. This was par for the course when it comes to my behavior. I had almost 6 months sobriety under my belt, and I chose to have 1 (ONE) drink on a date. Here was my thought pattern that led up to this decision. She was 28, gorgeous, intelligent, sweet, you name it. I felt very nervous being on a date with her. I was intimidated for 2 reasons. One, she asked me out, and two, I STILL felt so self conscious about myself that when the hostess asked if we wanted any drinks before we order, we said yes. Before I go any further, I want to say that she can't be faulted here.. I never revealed to her my past alcoholism, nor did I share my nervousness with her. This was all my fault. I accept full responsibility for my actions. There was no stressful incident to trigger this, no flashbacks, no trauma. Just me wanting to loosen up about being out with a beautiful woman.
When the date was over, I had already reverted back to my old habits. I was sneaking off to the bathroom, and walking by the bar and ordering double shots of Absolut. By the time dinner was over, I found myself out in the parking lot, being asked the following question, "Do you want to come over and watch a movie??". Any red blooded American single man (especially a 42 year old) would have jumped at the chance to go back. But, the old thinking had already taken over. I told her it was too late and I couldn't, but we would do this again some other time. I had other things in mind. She was about 5' 5", about 120 lbs, sandy brown light curly hair, beautiful green eyes, a wide inviting and beautiful smile. I didn't notice that at the time. All I was fixated on was the big Liquor Barn sign over her left shoulder across the road.. Once she left, I made a bee line across the street. I purchased 2 fifths of Grey Goose, and headed home. She was a distant memory very soon. All I wanted was more of the juice that had made me feel so good..
Fast forward to now. I have spent the past year on a personal journey of discovery. I had to once and for all put behind me the old person I once was. Gone now is the selfish, self centered boy, and now, only by the grace of God, is a forgiving and loving man to take his place. This easy to sit back and day, also easy to write, but when it comes down to it, it has to be walked! If any of us want to truly change, we have to walk it. Like the old saying says, if youre gonna talk the talk, walk the walk. By the grace of God, I try to walk the walk every day.
This isn't a cure all though.. It has to be practiced each and every day to be fully realized. I have to have this new forgiving and loving attitude every day, or I will wind up right back where I began. I don't want to go back there.
The reason why I called this a concession speech is this.. My old lifestyle and thought processes are gone. I have conceded my old life. I don't miss anything about it, and I am very blessed for what I now have:
Peace........
