To My Friends.. A Confession..

I want to address this blog to my close circle of friends. The ones who have been there for me the past fifteen plus years.. You all know who you are, and to keep from having to call each of you individually to explain, here is the condensed version.
In 2001 I was married. Just to give a little insight on this, many of my close friends were against it. Even as late as one hour before the ceremony, two of my best friends took me out of the church and asked me if I was sure of what I was doing. I told them I was happy and I wanted to go through with it. I lied to them.
At the time I weighed 450 lbs. What was going through my mind at the time was totally selfish. I  thought at the time I was going to die soon. I had been through several bouts of congestive heart failure, and to put it simply I didn't want to die alone. Even if it meant being married to a woman I didn't love, In my mind I didn't want to be alone in the end.
Admitting this to everyone is hard. My close friends thought I was out of my mind. I was. I wasn't blinded by love I was consumed by selfishness. Its no secret to my friends how the relationship was. They would tell me their concerns and I would promptly dismiss them. But being the good friends they were, they stuck by me anyway.
I feel I need to address this because my friends to me are like family. Growing up as an only child you really learn to value your friends.  My closest circle of friends, Josh Ben Ross Matt and Ernie are my brothers. Each of them voiced their concerns and I ignored them. For that I'm truly sorry.
Admitting you're in a loveless marriage is hard. Mostly because of ego but mostly from selfishness. When I had gastric bypass my life changed. I had a new lease on life, but still my marriage wax there. It took until 2006 to finally get the courage to leave. At that time I knew it would get ugly, and it did. in  that time, I fell in love. I fell in love with one of the sweetest girls I'm the world. But, my drinking being what it was, I pushed her away. I broke a precious heart who wanted nothing but my love, and all I gave her was misery. For that I'm truly sorry and have learned it must not happen again.
In closing I want my friends to know this. I did hear what you all were saying but I chose not to listen. It was selfish of me and from the bottom of my heart, I apologize. You all mean so much to me, and without you all I don't think I could have made it through the rough times.
I truly do love each one of you..