Struggles With Weight and the Hatred That Comes With It..

I read a Facebook post from a friend today about weight struggles. As many of you know, I've battled my weight all my life. I still struggle with it today.
A quick synopsis of my story, I grew up battling obesity. I wound up at 500 lbs 10 years ago and had gastric bypass to save my life. I now weigh 250 lbs but it hasn't all been a bed of roses. Overeating turned to alcoholism, and all of the problems that go with drinking.
What is inspiring me today is simple. Dr Martin Luther King said "I have a dream". We all have dreams. We have hopes and desires to live what we perceive to be a normal life. For someone who has a weight struggle, our dream is to be smaller. We diet, exercise,try hypnosis, and in the extreme case, have surgery. All just to fit in and feel good about ourselves. It's hard enough when you're not happy with yourself to look In the mirror everyday, then you have to leave the house and deal with others.
For me, I was comfortable for a long time with my weight. I had always been big, and it was normal to me. My big struggles came with others. I had been a firefighter and paramedic for twenty years of my life. I ALWAYS had to go the extra mile when it came to doing my job. There was always someone there waiting for me to fall on my face. It wasn't one person, it was many. If I had a quarter for everytime I heard a coworker criticize my weight, tell me I'll never be able to do my job, or flat out state their distaste of working with someone who was overweight, I'd be a rich man! It even came down to my employer cutting my pay and transferring me because they said I was too big. If I hadn't gotten a lawyer and threatened to take them to court, they would have gotten away with it. In the end, I came out on top, but at a cost. People I once looked up to and trusted showed their true colors and became irrelevant to me. It also left me very bitter. The only saving grace I have now is Karma. The ones involved in this period of my life have found themselves not achieving what they wanted in life, whether it's not being promoted to chief, not staying in their position of power, or simply retiring because of their attitude and actions they had gone as far as they were going to in their career. Does it give me satisfaction to see these people self destruct? At one time I thought it would, but now it doesn't. It's really sad.
After surgery and weight loss, I thought things would change. They didn't. I had developed a distaste for firefighting and being a paramedic and I wanted out. I got out. At times I miss the good times and good friends I made but for the most part I'm glad to be away.
When I read about how people still have hatred and distaste for someone because they're overweight it still gets me angry. Not only because of weight now though. It also angers me when I see someone treated badly because of skin color, gender, nationality, or religious preference. Also how people are treated because of their lifestyle choices. Hey, it's their life. It's their business. Let them live their life the way they choose.
Jesus told us to love one another. I don't think we're doing that. I include myself in that. I fall short everyday. We all need to be more considerate of others feelings. Next time you think of cracking on someone because of their weight or just because they're different than you are, just remember that person has feelings and emotions. Also remember that person may have it a whole lot worse than you do.
Remember, that person being hated on could be you..

Accepting Good Relationship Advice

Last night, I talked to an old friend I hadn't chatted with in a couple of years. She asked how I had been, how things were going, etc.
The conversation turned to dating. She asked how things in that department was going, and I told her things were kind of stagnant. She is in recovery like me, and she asked the usual questions. Especially the big question; am I taking responsibility for what is mine.
My answer was yes, I'm beginning to accept my faults, not blaming others for my problems, and accepting responsibility for my faults in life and relationships. She told me this is a sign of growth. To someone like me that is a big compliment. I have spent most of my life being selfish and blaming others for my problems, and I am finally to the point in my life where I accept total responsibility for my actions and faults.
She knows my dating history, and we talked about past relationships. After a lengthy conversation, she rendered her verdict. She told me I am a rescuer. She, being an avid Jersey Shore fan, told me I'm a "Snooki Magnet". Her explanation of that is my personality and attitude naturally attracts females who are consumed with drama and are looking for a dominant man to rescue them.
She said that type of woman looks to someone like me as the solution to their problems. She also said that that type would bring me down in their hell with them. Misery loves company.
I've received this advice from her before. I didn't listen. Now, I will.
In my defense I will admit I am too nice sometimes. I don't want to be the bad guy and at the same time I want to put my foot down. I have to find a happy medium. No man In his right mind wants to be a jerk. I don't,  but I do need to accept the fact I need to be assertive in a kind way.
All of this sagely advice came to me for free from someone I trust. Not only is she a recovering alcoholic, she's also a highly educated therapist and life coach. I got some good wise advice from someone who charges good money to dispense it.
Who says good things in life aren't free..

To My Friends.. A Confession..

I want to address this blog to my close circle of friends. The ones who have been there for me the past fifteen plus years.. You all know who you are, and to keep from having to call each of you individually to explain, here is the condensed version.
In 2001 I was married. Just to give a little insight on this, many of my close friends were against it. Even as late as one hour before the ceremony, two of my best friends took me out of the church and asked me if I was sure of what I was doing. I told them I was happy and I wanted to go through with it. I lied to them.
At the time I weighed 450 lbs. What was going through my mind at the time was totally selfish. I  thought at the time I was going to die soon. I had been through several bouts of congestive heart failure, and to put it simply I didn't want to die alone. Even if it meant being married to a woman I didn't love, In my mind I didn't want to be alone in the end.
Admitting this to everyone is hard. My close friends thought I was out of my mind. I was. I wasn't blinded by love I was consumed by selfishness. Its no secret to my friends how the relationship was. They would tell me their concerns and I would promptly dismiss them. But being the good friends they were, they stuck by me anyway.
I feel I need to address this because my friends to me are like family. Growing up as an only child you really learn to value your friends.  My closest circle of friends, Josh Ben Ross Matt and Ernie are my brothers. Each of them voiced their concerns and I ignored them. For that I'm truly sorry.
Admitting you're in a loveless marriage is hard. Mostly because of ego but mostly from selfishness. When I had gastric bypass my life changed. I had a new lease on life, but still my marriage wax there. It took until 2006 to finally get the courage to leave. At that time I knew it would get ugly, and it did. in  that time, I fell in love. I fell in love with one of the sweetest girls I'm the world. But, my drinking being what it was, I pushed her away. I broke a precious heart who wanted nothing but my love, and all I gave her was misery. For that I'm truly sorry and have learned it must not happen again.
In closing I want my friends to know this. I did hear what you all were saying but I chose not to listen. It was selfish of me and from the bottom of my heart, I apologize. You all mean so much to me, and without you all I don't think I could have made it through the rough times.
I truly do love each one of you..

Facing fear head on..

Facing fear is something that is difficult for many.. There are many forms of fear, from the smallest things such as spiders, all the way up to paranoia of facing life and leaving the house..
I've found myself operating in fear for many years. The past twelve years have been the most difficult. I can't pinpoint when it began or what even started it. I do know this though, It can cripple a person. It can make you so fearful that you will reject every opportunity of loving someone.
I have had several women in my life in the past who have wanted nothing more than to give love and in return, be loved by me. And then me, being my usual untrusting self, either found a way to sabotage the relationship or just walk away. That isn't being smart, or even being a player. That's called being a little boy. Being a coward!
This New Year, I choose this: not to be selfish, put others needs before mine, and finally begin to trust. Many have trusted me at face value, and it's time to return the same. I know im going to have my heart broken and my feelings hurt from time to time, but that's just part of it..
I do have a lot of love to give. Love is made to be shared, not hoarded.