FEAR!!

As many of you all know, I have been happily divorced for three years now. My marriage wasn't perfect, and the blame is 50-50 in that department. But enough about that. I learned a valuable lesson from my marriage, and I have forgiven and moved on.

We all have demons in our lives we must confront. In the past 8 months, I have had to confront mine. It was a battle. If it wasn't for God, I would have let my demons kill me. Both physically and spiritually. It is such a refreshing feeling to be able to wake up now without unwanted worry and fear. There is enough trouble in this world put upon all of us without having to bring it in upon ourselves. I had to learn how to forgive, and that was hard. Just being able to forgive hasn't totally solved my problem.

The big fear that I have is being able to trust. I still find that I have difficulty in being able to let that go and be able to trust someone. I always think what do they want or what are they up to?? What do they want from me?? When all they want to do is give love, I still have that tendancy to push them away.

Relationships are still scary for me. Everytime I get close to someone I push them away. I don't want to be hurt. I have someone now and she's been a friend for a long time. That relationship is progressing, and it scares me. There is mutual attraction, but a lot of baggage on both sides. It is a good friendship, but the attraction is getting stronger. Right now it's not a good thing. For her more so than me. She has things in her life she must deal with, as well as I have issues to work on. She isn't very understanding about it right now, she wants everything to just fall into place and it isn't going to. I'm trying so hard not to push her away now, but she sees it as just that. I respect her opinion, but I just wish she would see things differently, because a good friendship like ours is hard to come by.

I will say that I am scared to death of being hurt. I sound like a big wuss but that's how it is. I just feel if I jumped into a relationship, I would ruin it. We would both be hurt, and a good friendship would just go down the toilet. I may sound selfish, but not so selfish that I want the friendship to go away. She's beautiful (I MEAN FINE!!). And on top of that she cares about me!! That means so much, but I pray that God will dictate the time when things will be right in our lives that it will work out. And if it doesn't happen, so be it.