Struggles With Weight and the Hatred That Comes With It..

I read a Facebook post from a friend today about weight struggles. As many of you know, I've battled my weight all my life. I still struggle with it today.
A quick synopsis of my story, I grew up battling obesity. I wound up at 500 lbs 10 years ago and had gastric bypass to save my life. I now weigh 250 lbs but it hasn't all been a bed of roses. Overeating turned to alcoholism, and all of the problems that go with drinking.
What is inspiring me today is simple. Dr Martin Luther King said "I have a dream". We all have dreams. We have hopes and desires to live what we perceive to be a normal life. For someone who has a weight struggle, our dream is to be smaller. We diet, exercise,try hypnosis, and in the extreme case, have surgery. All just to fit in and feel good about ourselves. It's hard enough when you're not happy with yourself to look In the mirror everyday, then you have to leave the house and deal with others.
For me, I was comfortable for a long time with my weight. I had always been big, and it was normal to me. My big struggles came with others. I had been a firefighter and paramedic for twenty years of my life. I ALWAYS had to go the extra mile when it came to doing my job. There was always someone there waiting for me to fall on my face. It wasn't one person, it was many. If I had a quarter for everytime I heard a coworker criticize my weight, tell me I'll never be able to do my job, or flat out state their distaste of working with someone who was overweight, I'd be a rich man! It even came down to my employer cutting my pay and transferring me because they said I was too big. If I hadn't gotten a lawyer and threatened to take them to court, they would have gotten away with it. In the end, I came out on top, but at a cost. People I once looked up to and trusted showed their true colors and became irrelevant to me. It also left me very bitter. The only saving grace I have now is Karma. The ones involved in this period of my life have found themselves not achieving what they wanted in life, whether it's not being promoted to chief, not staying in their position of power, or simply retiring because of their attitude and actions they had gone as far as they were going to in their career. Does it give me satisfaction to see these people self destruct? At one time I thought it would, but now it doesn't. It's really sad.
After surgery and weight loss, I thought things would change. They didn't. I had developed a distaste for firefighting and being a paramedic and I wanted out. I got out. At times I miss the good times and good friends I made but for the most part I'm glad to be away.
When I read about how people still have hatred and distaste for someone because they're overweight it still gets me angry. Not only because of weight now though. It also angers me when I see someone treated badly because of skin color, gender, nationality, or religious preference. Also how people are treated because of their lifestyle choices. Hey, it's their life. It's their business. Let them live their life the way they choose.
Jesus told us to love one another. I don't think we're doing that. I include myself in that. I fall short everyday. We all need to be more considerate of others feelings. Next time you think of cracking on someone because of their weight or just because they're different than you are, just remember that person has feelings and emotions. Also remember that person may have it a whole lot worse than you do.
Remember, that person being hated on could be you..

Accepting Good Relationship Advice

Last night, I talked to an old friend I hadn't chatted with in a couple of years. She asked how I had been, how things were going, etc.
The conversation turned to dating. She asked how things in that department was going, and I told her things were kind of stagnant. She is in recovery like me, and she asked the usual questions. Especially the big question; am I taking responsibility for what is mine.
My answer was yes, I'm beginning to accept my faults, not blaming others for my problems, and accepting responsibility for my faults in life and relationships. She told me this is a sign of growth. To someone like me that is a big compliment. I have spent most of my life being selfish and blaming others for my problems, and I am finally to the point in my life where I accept total responsibility for my actions and faults.
She knows my dating history, and we talked about past relationships. After a lengthy conversation, she rendered her verdict. She told me I am a rescuer. She, being an avid Jersey Shore fan, told me I'm a "Snooki Magnet". Her explanation of that is my personality and attitude naturally attracts females who are consumed with drama and are looking for a dominant man to rescue them.
She said that type of woman looks to someone like me as the solution to their problems. She also said that that type would bring me down in their hell with them. Misery loves company.
I've received this advice from her before. I didn't listen. Now, I will.
In my defense I will admit I am too nice sometimes. I don't want to be the bad guy and at the same time I want to put my foot down. I have to find a happy medium. No man In his right mind wants to be a jerk. I don't,  but I do need to accept the fact I need to be assertive in a kind way.
All of this sagely advice came to me for free from someone I trust. Not only is she a recovering alcoholic, she's also a highly educated therapist and life coach. I got some good wise advice from someone who charges good money to dispense it.
Who says good things in life aren't free..

To My Friends.. A Confession..

I want to address this blog to my close circle of friends. The ones who have been there for me the past fifteen plus years.. You all know who you are, and to keep from having to call each of you individually to explain, here is the condensed version.
In 2001 I was married. Just to give a little insight on this, many of my close friends were against it. Even as late as one hour before the ceremony, two of my best friends took me out of the church and asked me if I was sure of what I was doing. I told them I was happy and I wanted to go through with it. I lied to them.
At the time I weighed 450 lbs. What was going through my mind at the time was totally selfish. I  thought at the time I was going to die soon. I had been through several bouts of congestive heart failure, and to put it simply I didn't want to die alone. Even if it meant being married to a woman I didn't love, In my mind I didn't want to be alone in the end.
Admitting this to everyone is hard. My close friends thought I was out of my mind. I was. I wasn't blinded by love I was consumed by selfishness. Its no secret to my friends how the relationship was. They would tell me their concerns and I would promptly dismiss them. But being the good friends they were, they stuck by me anyway.
I feel I need to address this because my friends to me are like family. Growing up as an only child you really learn to value your friends.  My closest circle of friends, Josh Ben Ross Matt and Ernie are my brothers. Each of them voiced their concerns and I ignored them. For that I'm truly sorry.
Admitting you're in a loveless marriage is hard. Mostly because of ego but mostly from selfishness. When I had gastric bypass my life changed. I had a new lease on life, but still my marriage wax there. It took until 2006 to finally get the courage to leave. At that time I knew it would get ugly, and it did. in  that time, I fell in love. I fell in love with one of the sweetest girls I'm the world. But, my drinking being what it was, I pushed her away. I broke a precious heart who wanted nothing but my love, and all I gave her was misery. For that I'm truly sorry and have learned it must not happen again.
In closing I want my friends to know this. I did hear what you all were saying but I chose not to listen. It was selfish of me and from the bottom of my heart, I apologize. You all mean so much to me, and without you all I don't think I could have made it through the rough times.
I truly do love each one of you..

Facing fear head on..

Facing fear is something that is difficult for many.. There are many forms of fear, from the smallest things such as spiders, all the way up to paranoia of facing life and leaving the house..
I've found myself operating in fear for many years. The past twelve years have been the most difficult. I can't pinpoint when it began or what even started it. I do know this though, It can cripple a person. It can make you so fearful that you will reject every opportunity of loving someone.
I have had several women in my life in the past who have wanted nothing more than to give love and in return, be loved by me. And then me, being my usual untrusting self, either found a way to sabotage the relationship or just walk away. That isn't being smart, or even being a player. That's called being a little boy. Being a coward!
This New Year, I choose this: not to be selfish, put others needs before mine, and finally begin to trust. Many have trusted me at face value, and it's time to return the same. I know im going to have my heart broken and my feelings hurt from time to time, but that's just part of it..
I do have a lot of love to give. Love is made to be shared, not hoarded.

Concession Speech

I've titled this entry as my "concession speech".  You may be wondering why I would choose this title, well sit tight and I will tell you the backstory..


In a snapshot, ever since I was a child starting at age 7, I began having problems with my weight.  I remember the winters of both 77 and 78 being the times when my weight began to really rise.  I was home for months at a time due to the snow, and all there was to do was eat.  No cell phone, no internet, just a stereo, black and white tv with 3 stations, books, and my best friend growing up..  The refrigerator..  All there was to do was eat.  I ate, and ate, and ate at times until I was sick.  Mostly I ate out of boredom at first, but it wasn't long until food became my comfort and escape.


Fast forward to age 13.  I was smack dab in the middle of puberty, and still struggling with my weight.  I was in the 8th grade, and I weighed 250 lbs..  My current weight.  About this same time, I was really curious about females.  I didn't have a girlfriend, but the opportunities would   arise when I would want to be around them in a social setting..  So here enters my buffer.  I was shy around girls, and self conscious about my weight.  I found out quickly that alcohol was the ultimate social lubricant.  So, I drank to fit in.  Something else happened..  I began to have courage, and I was all of a sudden able to talk to (or, spit game) to women.  This at age 13 was a valuable tool, but it came with aa attachment.  The ONLY time I felt comfortable around girls was when there was alcohol was around.  This continued into college, and then into adulthood.


One year ago, Nov 13th to be exact, I was arrested for DUI 2nd.  This was par for the course when it comes to my behavior.  I had almost 6 months sobriety under my belt, and I chose to have 1 (ONE) drink on a date.  Here was my thought pattern that led up to this decision.  She was 28, gorgeous, intelligent, sweet, you name it.  I felt very nervous being on a date with her.  I was intimidated for 2 reasons.  One, she asked me out, and two, I STILL felt so self conscious about myself that when the hostess asked if we wanted any drinks before we order, we said yes.  Before I go any further, I want to say that she can't be faulted here..  I never revealed to her my past alcoholism, nor did I share my nervousness with her.  This was all my fault.  I accept full responsibility for my actions.  There was no stressful incident to trigger this, no flashbacks, no trauma.  Just me wanting to loosen up about being out with a beautiful woman.


When the date was over, I had already reverted back to my old habits.  I was sneaking off to the bathroom, and walking by the bar and ordering double shots of Absolut.  By the time dinner was over, I found myself out in the parking lot, being asked the following question, "Do you want to come over and watch a movie??".  Any red blooded American single man (especially a 42 year old) would have jumped at the chance to go back.  But, the old thinking had already taken over.  I told her it was too late and I couldn't, but we would do this again some other time.  I had other things in mind.  She was about 5' 5", about 120 lbs, sandy brown light curly hair, beautiful green eyes, a wide inviting and beautiful smile.  I didn't notice that at the time.  All I was fixated on was the big Liquor Barn sign over her left shoulder across the road..  Once she left, I made a bee line across the street.  I purchased 2 fifths of Grey Goose, and headed home.  She was a distant memory very soon.  All I wanted was more of the juice that had made me feel so good..


 Fast forward to now.  I have spent the past year on a personal journey of discovery.  I had to once and for all put behind me the old person I once was.  Gone now is the selfish, self centered boy, and now, only by the grace of God, is a forgiving and loving man to take his place.  This easy to sit back and day, also easy to write, but when it comes down to it, it has to be walked!  If any of us want to truly change, we have to walk it.  Like the old saying says, if youre gonna talk the talk, walk the walk.  By the grace of God, I try to walk the walk every day. 


This isn't a cure all though..  It has to be practiced each and every day to be fully realized.  I have to have this new forgiving and loving attitude every day, or I will wind up right back where I began.  I don't want to go back there.


The reason why I called this a concession speech is this..  My old lifestyle and thought processes are gone.  I have conceded my old life.  I don't miss anything about it, and I am very blessed for what I now have:


                                                       Peace........

Knowing When To Quit..

Someone once said that mistakes are lessons that you learn. It's hard to grasp that concept, but for the first time I truly have.

I have discovered that a friendship that blossoms into a relationship has many pitfalls. There's jealousy, envy, worry just to name a few. Plus, there is the fear of telling a friend exactly what they need to hear. In a friendship, a good friend will tell you what you want to hear and what you don't want to hear. In a relationship, that is hard when you have feelings for the other person.

Ive learned an important lesson. I can't do that right now. Not to say there arent any feelings for her anymore, because there are. But the friendship needs to be preserved, because she (who shall remain nameless for her privacy;) is probably one of the smartest, sweetest, most beautiful people Ive ever met. I cant expect things to be perfect all of the time, and neither can she. Thankfully we both realize this and we both can learn from it and move on.

Not to say it doesn't hurt.. It does. But, as an adult, I realize that things will be better and we will remain friends. I wish I had this wisdom earlier in my life, but like everything else these things take time. Growth takes time..
Andy

Fear and Recovery

For many years, I have been afraid. Many people have normal every day fears, but I take it to the extreme.. I have fear of being hurt. I have a bad bad fear of being hurt in a relationship. That leads to lack of trust and a whole list of issues..

Last night, a beautiful friendship about 2 years in the making went that extra step.. Of course me being an insecure man, I didn't see it coming, and if you haven't guessed yet, I didn't make the first move.

I operate in fear. I operate on the premise that things are going to go wrong. I also have low self esteem. I have a very beautiful, very sweet, very smart friend who is someone I can call at a moment's notice.. She is everything you would want in a friend. Last night, it went that one step further. Today, i've been walking around like a giddy teenager, but I also have that nagging feeling that I'm gonna do something to screw this up.

I have told her this, and her answer was, "you cant walk around with your head buried in the sand any longer.." She was right. I can't. But the feelings of impending doom are there. Knowing my past history when it comes to relationships, I have it there. It also doesn't help matters to know that whenever we are out together, she is being looked at because she is beautiful. It's not jealousy on my part, it's feeling so undeserving of anything good.

I have to work on the self esteem. I want to feel deserving. I told her last night how I didn't deserve to have her in my life. Her reply was, "I feel at times like I don't deserve you.."....

Wish me luck!! Andy

Amy's Story.. Plant a Simple Seed..

Please click on this link www.plantasimpleseed.blogspot.com .. This is Amy's story.. Read it, and please pass it along.. It is sad, but inspiring.. Andy

Changing My Life.. Rules To Live By..

In the past few months, I have become involved in a program called Men's Fraternity. It's a faith based program about being a man in the eyes of God. Among some of the reading material is a book by Andy Andrews called "Mastering the Seven Decisions". This book has been a real eye opener for me. I never ever read an inspirational book in my life (besides the Bible and AA Big Book). This book puts in simple terms what changes need to take place in my life for me to ever be successful.
Seven Easy Steps:
1-The Buck Stops Here-I am responsible for my past and my future.

2- I Will Seek Wisdom- My past will never change, but my actions today will change my future.

3-I Am A Person Of Action-I will create a new future by creating a new me.

4-I Have A Decided Heart- I will be passionate about my vision of the future.

5-Today, I Choose To Be Happy- My happiness is my choice. I alone choose my emotions and responses.

6-I Will Greet This Day With A Forgiving Spirit-I will forgive those who don't even ask for forgiveness.

7-I Will Persist Without Exception- I will stay focused even through the pain on my long term goal-happiness.

These sound simple. They are simple. They have to be my guidelines to achieve my long term goal-happiness. For so long, I was in a depression that I never ever thought I would ever get out of. I kept on drinking, hurting the ones I loved, and started to slowly kill myself with my lifestyle. I had no hope in sight. I prayed one night three simple words, "God Help Me". He has. He has given me some insight into my own life, and guided me to people who have been such a big help in my life the past 3 months.
I would like to mention 3 of my mentors in this area of instruction. Dave Harris, Mark Miller, and Mitch Barnhart. They are three good Christian men who have had their own struggles in life, and have used these seven steps to aid them in their lives. And thanks to God, they are willing to share their success with myself and others..
More to follow....Andy

How You Hurt The Ones You Love..

Has anyone ever said anything hurtful to someone they love? I'm not talking about family, i'm talking about someone special in their life. Someone who you consider a friend, lover, and an overall sweet soul? We all say hurtful things. But, do we ever stop and put ourselves in that person's shoes? Wonder what an impact those hurtful things have on that person?
Recently, I was asked to write an empathy letter. For those not familiar with this, you write a letter from someone's viewpoint that you have hurt. After you write the letter, you look at it, and there it is in black and white just exactly what, in your own opinion, the other person was thinking. This was an interesting exercise. I wrote the letter, which took about two hours to complete, and there was the ugly truth staring back at me. If finally hit me what I had done. This letter wasn't about my ex-wife, it was about a woman who was with me through my seperation and my divorce. She was also there for some of the ugliest incidences of my drinking.
I won't mention her name, but she will know from reading this. This sweet, beautiful, caring person came into my life long before my divorce as an acquaintance. I knew her many years before we started dating. She is happy, bubbly, quick-witted, and over-all, probably one of the kindest, most caring people I know. The side I know of her is very loving, passionate, considerate, and so wonderful to be around. She's the type of person that when she leaves the room, the fun seems to go right along with her. She's the one you start missing even before she has left the room. She can definitely make you smile no matter what mood you are in with just a look or a laugh. She also has the most beautiful smile i've ever seen....
Now, for the flip side of this story. Any man in his right mind would give his right hand to have a woman like this in his life. But, I didn't. I was so self centered, selfish, and consumed with my own wants and "needs" at the time that I totally ignored her and used her. I took for granted the love and attention she was giving me. Time after time, I would be consumed with my own addiction to alcohol, and I would purposefully hide from her. I wanted to drink instead of be anywhere near her. Many times, I saw tears in her eyes, knowing I had caused them, and I didn't care. All I was concerned with was getting away from her so I could drink. I never ever dreamed I could be like this to anyone.... But, I was.
She finally after a while had had enough, and she left. Rightly so. She left with a broken heart, and I kept right on drinking. How could someone do something like that to someone that special? It's easy. It's called being Self Centered. It is called being selfish. No one should have to put themselves through something like that for another person. But she did. Even after things I said and did, she still loved me enough to stick around. Until the day came when she had enough.
Now back to the empathy letter. I wrote the letter, and I read it often. It is one of the reminders of what my life was like, and a reminder of something I don't want to return to. Hindsight is 20-20, but mistakes like that one become lessons. The lesson learned? I must love God first, then love myself, before I can love anyone else. Loving myself is not drinking, putting other's wants and needs first, and giving to others what has so freely been given to me.. Love.
I hope this blog was helpful. And now a small message to the person i'm writing about. I know sorry's don't make things right. I know all you ever wanted was to be loved, and I didn't. I want to show you the letter sometime so you can see that I do understand now what you went through. And finally, the only true way I can ever give you back the love you gave me is by doing what I am doing now. Living a peaceful, love filled existance and doing something you taught me.. How to love others even when it is hard.... That is the lesson I learned from you....
Thanks for reading this everyone.. Andy

Truth Time.. A Life Renewed.. Cleaning House, Mending Fences, & Enjoying Life..

Well, it's been awhile since my last blog entry. I've had a lot of time to put things in perspective. Time to reflect, time to find what my true purpose in life is, and time to mend some broken relationships. Also in that, I include friendships, relationships, and also the new friendships I have begun.
I've learned that life is a balance of truth and grace. I've learned that too much of either one is a bad thing. Too much truth, and you make yourself and those around you miserable. Too much grace, and you're free to go about and do any reckless thing you want to do, consequences be damned. I will try to make this a good demonstration of both.
Truth Time:
Many of you know that I have had a struggle with my weight most of my life. I had gastric bypass surgery, and my addiction to food quickly turned to alcohol. I have been struggling actively with alcoholism now for about the past five years. The past 12 months have been the toughest. Last Memorial Day weekend (2010), I was hospitalized with an overdose of alcohol that almost proved lethal. I was admitted to St Joseph hospital in Lexington with acute alcohol poisoning. I was unresponsive upon arrival to the Emergency Room, and CPR was performed on me. I was in the ICU for 7 days following this. I awoke the following Friday to find myself restrained in the bed, on a ventilator with a tube im my lungs. The tube was being taken out, the restraints were removed, and I was in pain from pancreatitis. I still struggled with drinking off and on, and I finally have stopped. My selfishness was so great that I continued to drink even after this experience. I was not concerned about those who love me. I was worried about ME. Me and ME only. No concern for my parents or the women in my life who at first thought I was so sweet and kind, but when it came down to the woman or alcohol, alcohol won hands down. There was no contest. How many men do you know would sit there, have a beautiful, sweet woman tell them how much she loves them, and then turn right around and spit in the woman's face?? Many of you probably would think, "Andy wouldn't do that!!".. I DID. Not once, but about four times in the last 5 years. Yes, my life had come down to that.
Now, the Grace: I have had the opportunity to finally find what the root causes are of why I drank so much and why I was so addicted to food as comfort. I will share what I can of them later on, and some of them I won't. But it's safe to say, I have began healing. The healing hasn't been without pain. The pain is still there, but through God, prayer, meditation and good friends who suffer as I do, I no longer have to pick up a bottle to ease my pain.
I also had to realize that I am not the center of the universe. The world doesn't begin and end with me. I was so self centered and selfish that I didn't care who got in my way, I was going to drink. I was in a severe depression. I was finally able to snap out of the depression after many years.
Realizing all of this now made me wonder what my true calling in life was. I realize that the first half of my life as a firefighter-paramedic was to help out those in need. I now realize that I have a gift when it comes to helping those in need. In the process of cooking meals for the homeless and those who wouldn't otherwise have a good hot meal, I was finally able to humble myself and realize just how selfish I was. I first had to remember what Shakespeare meant when he said, "..to thine own self be true.." I have to love God first, then myself, only then I will be able to love others. I was always told by my friends I was loyal and a good listener. Now, i'm able to be a much better friend and an even better listener. Now I can truly be there for my friends and family 100% without any reservation.
Finally, I realized why I couldn't hold on to a relationship. What woman in her right mind would want to go for a boat ride on a sinking ship?? (Sorry, heard that one the other day thought it was funny) I have to love God and then myself before I could ever be any good to a woman. All I can say now is this.. I try not to run from relationships like I used to. When I'm smiled at, I smile back. I'm not afraid to open a door or pull out a chair. I'm not doing those things because they were burned into me as manners, I'm doing them because it is the right thing to do.
One last thing. Without mentioning names, there are going to be a few ladies who are going to read this and know that I am speaking of them. I want to take this opportunity to apologize for being selfish, insensitive, and uncaring. I will take time to apologize to you all.
Well, that just about does it for this blog entry.. More to come soon.... Andy

Stop The HATE!!

Recently at one of my meetings, a young, outspoken, (and in my opinion very beautiful inside and out) woman spoke out about being taunted as a child because of her weight. She spoke of the vicious taunts she received from school mates and how much it hurt. She then spoke of being talked about amongst her "friends" and even her family as an adult. The subtle little hints about how she's eating too much, and what made her break down and cry was the comment "No man will ever want you if you're fat".. This came from her mother.

This took me back to when I was taunted for being fat as a child. The pain of having someone you look up to and love telling you you're fat and the only way to stop the taunts is to lose weight. The gastric bypass I had dramatically reduced my size. I went from 505 lbs to my current 236 lbs. (I have been as low as 190 lbs). The looks stopped. The looks I was now receiving from women weren't looking at me as if to say, "oh, you poor thing you look like you feel miserable". The looks I was now getting were smiles, which lead to small talk, seeing what you have in common, then maybe an exchange of phone numbers. I still catch myself thinking from time to time (when I meet an attractive woman while i'm out shopping, eating, etc) I think, "would this woman even be talking to me if I was still 500 lbs.??)

Always having that thought in the back of my mind is not right. It comes from being told hateful hurtful things as a child. I sympathized with that young girl. I felt the same old feelings coming back. I caught myself beginning to cry. It STILL hurts!!

For those of you reading this, think about hateful things you have said.

I feel and I hurt for those young boys who have taken their lives because they were either gay or perceived to be that way. I can't say I know what goes on in their minds, but I do believe that being gay is not a choice. I think they are born that way. AND, you should not hate someone because they were born gay, black, mentally impaired, or handicapped. Being obese for me alot of people would say is a lifestyle choice. It is not. I have an addictive personality. When the food was gone after surgery, alcohol took it's place. I was born an addict. No one hates another person because they were born an addict, so why hate someone because they are born gay?

Being a straight man with several gay friends, I have a window into their world. I saw how a few of them were treated as children and as adults. I see the hurt they went through with their families. They are some of the best friends anyone could ask for. Also, I have friends who are alcoholics, obese, former drug addicts, and they are to me simply........ Friends..

Bullying.. Cyber or Otherwise..

Have any of you ever been bullied? Were you pushed around on the school bus by the big kids? Were you ever picked on because you were the fat kid? I was.
Now, were you ever picked on at work because you were different? I was.

Growing up for me was normal. I grew up on the farm, went to school, and suffered from bullying. I was taunted just for being the fat kid. It became such an everyday part of life for me, that I actually confused bullying for friendship. I would think to myself, "they didn't tease me today.. Are they mad at me?" That's not normal.

After I graduated high school, during that summer I lost weight. I made a conscious effort to lose some weight. I can't remember how much weight I lost, but it was substantial. I went into Eastern Kentucky University my freshman year with a different attitude and met a new set of friends. This is the time when I rushed a fraternity (and got in!), felt accepted for a short time. I was living away from home for the first time, able to spread my wings. Once I found out where the girls were, I was scared to death of being rejected. I eventually became less and less fearful of meeting girls in college. I thought it was just because I lost all of the weight I was getting attention from females. Looking back, I realize that it wasn't. They didn't know me before. They didn't know I was a fat kid. They didn't know me period. Even though I was more and more comfortable talking to females, that chip was still on my shoulder. Bullying was such a part of my life, I didn't know how to live without it.

After college, I came back home to work. I started to pick up weight again. It came back fast. I became so large, I wound up having to have gastric bypass surgery. During this time, I found myself being bullied at work because of my weight. I couldn't believe it. I was being bullied as an adult! It was a different kind of bullying, but it was happening. (and I have to add this.. Some of you who bullied me as an adult are going to be reading this, and I should have said this long ago.. You should really look at yourselves in the mirror and within before you EVER say anything or pass judgement to anyone again, because you are no prizes yourselves!)

Now there is cyberbullying. People are dying now because of being bullied. The recent trend seems to be toward gays. No matter how much you disagree with their lifestyle, it is wrong to bully them for it. Bullying is bullying whether or not you are male, female, straight, gay, black or white. It is wrong.

Next time you start to make a hateful comment to someone, take a look at yourself. Find something about you that you don't like. Then, imagine how you would feel is someone made a hateful remark about it.

Addiction and Gastric Bypass: Then and Now

December is fast approaching. This December will mark the eighth anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery. It seems to me like the past eight years have flown by. They have passed with many changes. They have passed with much heartache.

When I had my surgery, I weighed 505 lbs. I weighed a quarter ton. Many of my close friends remember those days. I was still working as a paramedic, and I was miserable. My ankles, knees, and hands would swell constantly from congestive heart failure. My diabetes was slowly taking my vision. My blood pressure was through the roof, and I had to take 2 injections of Insulin daily, along with a handful of blood pressure medication and diuretics just to be able to walk and function. I was dying.

The fix for me at the time was surgery. St Joseph East had just opened the Center for Weight Loss Surgery in sept of 2002 and I was one of the first patients. At the time I was the largest one. They put 2 tables together so I could have surgery. The counseling resources at the time were limited. They were pretty much non existent. There was no counseling pre surgery. There were no resources available like there are now. I went into surgery as a Hail Mary to save my life.

Fast forward to June 2003. Six months after surgery, I had lost 200 lbs. I had lost a whole person. My waist size went from 64 to 44. I was no longer wearing 6XL shirts, I was in 3XL. In just 6 months this happened. One thing about me didn't change. My mindset. I was struggling inside with not being able to eat. I would eat and get sick very often. Then I began experiencing abdominal pain that would be a daily curse for the next 7 years. This pain was controlled by medication up to a point. I found an alternative to not being able to eat. Alcohol.

From that point on, alcohol became a daily habit. It escalated to the point it overtook my life. Alcohol had replaced food as my comfort. I wasn't able to eat what I wanted anymore, but I could get drunk. Alcohol as we all know comes with consequences. The train of consequences from alcohol can range from hangover to health problems to legal problems. It can happen. I'm living proof.

I had experienced a phenomenon known as "addiction transfer". I transitioned from food to alcohol. It wasn't a smooth transition. It was hard. I went from being hungover to being hospitalized due to alcohol poisoning. It was hell.

Fast forward to today. For about the past 6 months, my abdominal pain was at it's worst point. I began bleeding and the pain would double me over. My old stomach and the new pouch (that was made from my old stomach) grew back together. The pain and bleeding was caused by the staples coming loose inside from the muscle growth. I thought I was going to die from a combination of drinking and this abdominal bleeding.

Now, for the past 7 weeks, I have been pain free. No bleeding, no pain, and for the past 9 weeks, no alcohol (owe that to God!!). But, there is one drawback. I am now back to square one. My old stomach and new stomach are rejoined. I am able now to eat anything I want again. That comes with the same old consequences though. I can gain weight again. I can rapidly gain weight. I have to closely watch what and where I eat. Places I once enjoyed to eat such as Golden Corral and any Oriental buffet, are potentially harmful. If left to my own choice, I would eat there every day. This is where Alcoholics Anonymous comes in. Just because I have transferred back to eating from drinking doesn't mean I'm going to stop going to meetings. Going to AA, listening and realizing I'm not alone, will help me keep from eating myself into an early grave.

So, I guess the moral to my story is this. Before considering having this surgery, read everything you can about addiction transfer. Deal with any emotions and crises in your life before having surgery. Use the surgery as a tool for wellness, not a solution to a problem!!

In Memory of Officer Bryan Durman LFUCG Division of Police..

This is a little blog that I've been needing to write for a long time. Anyone who has experienced loss, I hope you can benefit from these words..

Officer Bryan Durman's death has touched many, including me. I didn't know Bryan, but I know many who did. They are feeling sadness and loss of a good friend, co-worker, and mentor. When someone like that touches your life, it leaves a hole when they are gone. Officer Durman helped many people while in his job. Police officers these days seem to get the short end of the stick when it comes to recognition. Usually when the police department is mentioned on tv or in news, it is a bad occasion. We seem to hear the bad things associated with them and none of the good. Look at it this way. These men and women leave their families, put on a gun and a badge, and become moving targets every day. They have to be mediators, problem solvers, and care takers for total strangers. All the while making very low pay. Usually when we hear someone speak of the police, it is in the context of, "man, the cops are never around" or "all they do is ride around and do nothing.." Believe me all the police officers I know are not like that. They work hard, they have families, and their job takes up most of their time.

I worked for 20 years as an EMT, Paramedic, Firefighter, and as a police and fire dispatcher. I wanted to do it all. I got to know many police officers from different agencies. All good people, and hard working people. One of my closest friends is a retired police officer, and all the things he went through in his career got him a retirement and a watch. Even he is hurting now by this tragedy. He didn't know Officer Durman either.

As far as loss, in my career i've experienced it also. Feb 17, 1997 I lost a very good friend in the line of duty. Chuck died doing the job he loved. I felt a terrible loss that I never really started dealing with until the last 8 months. I didn't share about it very much, I dealt with it in a different way. Now I am able to tell the story. On the night of his death I spoke with him on the phone. I was working in LFUCG fire dispatch that night, and I took the calls and put out the initial dispatch. My 29th birthday was coming up that week, and Chuck and I talked about him and bunch of others going to Hooters to celebrate my birthday that week when we were off. That was the last time I talked to him. About 4 hours later, I took the call and sent them to the fire where his life ended. Many years have passed, even though when the investigation was over and his arsonist was sent to prison, I still second guessed myself on many things.. Did I miss a mayday on the radio? Could I have done something differently? Even though I did everything right, I still second guessed myself.. That's called guilt. My friend and co-worker was dead, and the guilt and sorrow just kept festering.

Now I am free of those feelings. Through talking about it, praying about it, and choosing a career as an alcohol and drug counselor, I can continue to work through these things. Any of Bryan's co workers who may read this just remember this.. It is okay to be sad and to grieve. Grieve and lean on each other, talk to each other, pray with each other, and get back out there and be the best you can be..

FEAR!!

As many of you all know, I have been happily divorced for three years now. My marriage wasn't perfect, and the blame is 50-50 in that department. But enough about that. I learned a valuable lesson from my marriage, and I have forgiven and moved on.

We all have demons in our lives we must confront. In the past 8 months, I have had to confront mine. It was a battle. If it wasn't for God, I would have let my demons kill me. Both physically and spiritually. It is such a refreshing feeling to be able to wake up now without unwanted worry and fear. There is enough trouble in this world put upon all of us without having to bring it in upon ourselves. I had to learn how to forgive, and that was hard. Just being able to forgive hasn't totally solved my problem.

The big fear that I have is being able to trust. I still find that I have difficulty in being able to let that go and be able to trust someone. I always think what do they want or what are they up to?? What do they want from me?? When all they want to do is give love, I still have that tendancy to push them away.

Relationships are still scary for me. Everytime I get close to someone I push them away. I don't want to be hurt. I have someone now and she's been a friend for a long time. That relationship is progressing, and it scares me. There is mutual attraction, but a lot of baggage on both sides. It is a good friendship, but the attraction is getting stronger. Right now it's not a good thing. For her more so than me. She has things in her life she must deal with, as well as I have issues to work on. She isn't very understanding about it right now, she wants everything to just fall into place and it isn't going to. I'm trying so hard not to push her away now, but she sees it as just that. I respect her opinion, but I just wish she would see things differently, because a good friendship like ours is hard to come by.

I will say that I am scared to death of being hurt. I sound like a big wuss but that's how it is. I just feel if I jumped into a relationship, I would ruin it. We would both be hurt, and a good friendship would just go down the toilet. I may sound selfish, but not so selfish that I want the friendship to go away. She's beautiful (I MEAN FINE!!). And on top of that she cares about me!! That means so much, but I pray that God will dictate the time when things will be right in our lives that it will work out. And if it doesn't happen, so be it.

Marriage, Break-Ups, and Everything In-Between..

After a very productive morning at church praying for my friends, family, and everything else.. I need to express some things and get them off my chest. I have a really close friend, and yes he will read this, but he shall remain anonymous.. He and I had a long conversation last night and then a little while today. He is in a bad situation right now. His wife of 10 years packed up and left him. The only thing she left was their daughter. I talked to her last night also, and she is not abandoning her daughter, but did not want to upset her daughter's routine for a couple of days. Normally I wouldn't involve myself in a situation like this, but the two of them have been really good to me the past several years, helping me through my divorce by offering me anything I needed. Luckily I didn't need their help, but they would both do anything for me.

I have watched the two of them at each others throats the past month. I have been an outside observer and they both confide in me. I know the real story of their situation, but I will not let on that I do until one of them admits it. The one who will ultimately suffer the most in this situation is their daughter. She hears and sees mommy and daddy arguing, and she starts to cry. Uncle Andy here had the good luck of being there for one of their arguments, and all I could do was pick up their 3 year old daughter and hold her tight while mommy and daddy had their little scream fest.

The only bright spot in their arguing is there is no physical abuse going on. She would tell me if their was, and so would he. They both know how I feel about domestic violence, and they know I could tell if it was going on. Still, this has to stop between them. Their daughter needs them.

The whole ironic thing about this situation is this. They both told me how I needed to quickly rebound from my divorce and go out and find the next Mrs. Andy. This was 3 years ago. They both tell me that I'll be so happy, and I need to get married and have a whole boat load of kids. These things were said as recently as 2 weeks ago. I really believe they say these things for only one reason. They miss being single and dating. They miss having a social life, and not having to answer to anyone.

Now, don't get me wrong on this. I would love to be married to the RIGHT woman, be a good father, and settle sown. That will all come in God's time, not mine. When He is ready for me to settle down and commit, it will happen. I absolutely refuse to go out on a wife hunt or be set up on blind dates just because my friends think i'm lonely. There are no bills, my house is paid for and rented out, and I am happy. My life is drama free, and I really like it that way. God has someone for me, but not right now. I have several things in my life to accomplish before that happens..

So if any of you read this and it hits home in a good way, i'll be happy..

So Very Fortunate..

There is a time in everyone's life when they are down. There can be several ways of being down. We can be "down in the dumps", "down and out", "down on our luck", or just plain down. Many people recover from this quickly. Many of us will take a longer time of snapping back. But, there are those of us who have to take the whole journey. The journey to hell and back. Sometimes that journey turns into permanent residence in hell for some people.

When we decide to stay for awhile in hell, we find that everyone else is against us. Every bad thing in our lives that should have made us stronger has made us so weak, that hell seems like a long lost home. We feel we're content with the life we've made and we can't imagine living any other way. We like to blame all of the people that have led us to hell. We remind them all of the time that it is because of them that we are here in hell. We decide to give up. Hell is the life for us. There is one thing that is notably absent in hell. There are no mirrors. There is a reason for that. Mirrors are a gateway to the real reason why we are in hell. If we look in the mirror, we see the REAL reason we are in hell.

Because WE choose to be.

If it sounds like i'm speaking from personal experience, I am. I chose my own brand of hell for many years. Everyone else who loved me put me there. It was all their faults. I wasn't to blame for any of it. That was the lie that I believed. Granted there are some people in this world who take great joy in the suffering of others, we still choose to let them affect us. We don't see the great strength that God has implanted in each and every one of us. We eventually get to the point that God has to show us that we have that inner strength. We get to the point where God has to say, "..pick yourself up, dust yourself off, put your Big Boy undies back on and get back in the game!!"

We also suffer from blindness. We don't see that our loved ones (friends, lovers, family) aren't out to get us, but truly love us and we continually turn them away. We don't want any help from anyone. We don't want to be bothered. We don't see the love that is shown to us. We don't return that love to others either. There is only one way to be able to return that love that has been given.. We have to begin to love ourselves!!

That begins for us by giving up and getting out of hell. Look in the mirror, and see the REAL problem. Trust in God also makes us stronger. Letting Him take over our lives will eventually bring new and welcome change to our lives. John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.

We have to lay down that old way of life. Give it up. We have those we love to think about. This post is to all of my friends. All of those who love me and who have stuck by me through the past several years. It has been a rocky road, and it still is an everyday climb. Things in this life will try us all. There will be suffering and sorrow, but in the end it is all what we make of it. Kanye puts it well.... That that don't kill me can only make me stronger..

I love you all very much!!

Covering Just About Everything....

I have to say this.. I love this life. When you can talk to someone you haven't talked to in a long time, sit and talk for three hours, and cover just about everything in your lives from the most tragic to the terribly funny, that is a blessing. It just doesn't get any better than that. Having my life isn't bad. I used to think that things were not that good. But now, my outlook has changed the past several months, and things only keep getting better. It just goes to show one simple fact.. If you ask God anything, in His time, your life will be blessed.