Has anyone ever said anything hurtful to someone they love? I'm not talking about family, i'm talking about someone special in their life. Someone who you consider a friend, lover, and an overall sweet soul? We all say hurtful things. But, do we ever stop and put ourselves in that person's shoes? Wonder what an impact those hurtful things have on that person?
Recently, I was asked to write an empathy letter. For those not familiar with this, you write a letter from someone's viewpoint that you have hurt. After you write the letter, you look at it, and there it is in black and white just exactly what, in your own opinion, the other person was thinking. This was an interesting exercise. I wrote the letter, which took about two hours to complete, and there was the ugly truth staring back at me. If finally hit me what I had done. This letter wasn't about my ex-wife, it was about a woman who was with me through my seperation and my divorce. She was also there for some of the ugliest incidences of my drinking.
I won't mention her name, but she will know from reading this. This sweet, beautiful, caring person came into my life long before my divorce as an acquaintance. I knew her many years before we started dating. She is happy, bubbly, quick-witted, and over-all, probably one of the kindest, most caring people I know. The side I know of her is very loving, passionate, considerate, and so wonderful to be around. She's the type of person that when she leaves the room, the fun seems to go right along with her. She's the one you start missing even before she has left the room. She can definitely make you smile no matter what mood you are in with just a look or a laugh. She also has the most beautiful smile i've ever seen....
Now, for the flip side of this story. Any man in his right mind would give his right hand to have a woman like this in his life. But, I didn't. I was so self centered, selfish, and consumed with my own wants and "needs" at the time that I totally ignored her and used her. I took for granted the love and attention she was giving me. Time after time, I would be consumed with my own addiction to alcohol, and I would purposefully hide from her. I wanted to drink instead of be anywhere near her. Many times, I saw tears in her eyes, knowing I had caused them, and I didn't care. All I was concerned with was getting away from her so I could drink. I never ever dreamed I could be like this to anyone.... But, I was.
She finally after a while had had enough, and she left. Rightly so. She left with a broken heart, and I kept right on drinking. How could someone do something like that to someone that special? It's easy. It's called being Self Centered. It is called being selfish. No one should have to put themselves through something like that for another person. But she did. Even after things I said and did, she still loved me enough to stick around. Until the day came when she had enough.
Now back to the empathy letter. I wrote the letter, and I read it often. It is one of the reminders of what my life was like, and a reminder of something I don't want to return to. Hindsight is 20-20, but mistakes like that one become lessons. The lesson learned? I must love God first, then love myself, before I can love anyone else. Loving myself is not drinking, putting other's wants and needs first, and giving to others what has so freely been given to me.. Love.
I hope this blog was helpful. And now a small message to the person i'm writing about. I know sorry's don't make things right. I know all you ever wanted was to be loved, and I didn't. I want to show you the letter sometime so you can see that I do understand now what you went through. And finally, the only true way I can ever give you back the love you gave me is by doing what I am doing now. Living a peaceful, love filled existance and doing something you taught me.. How to love others even when it is hard.... That is the lesson I learned from you....
Thanks for reading this everyone.. Andy
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