Amy's Story.. Plant a Simple Seed..

Please click on this link www.plantasimpleseed.blogspot.com .. This is Amy's story.. Read it, and please pass it along.. It is sad, but inspiring.. Andy

Changing My Life.. Rules To Live By..

In the past few months, I have become involved in a program called Men's Fraternity. It's a faith based program about being a man in the eyes of God. Among some of the reading material is a book by Andy Andrews called "Mastering the Seven Decisions". This book has been a real eye opener for me. I never ever read an inspirational book in my life (besides the Bible and AA Big Book). This book puts in simple terms what changes need to take place in my life for me to ever be successful.
Seven Easy Steps:
1-The Buck Stops Here-I am responsible for my past and my future.

2- I Will Seek Wisdom- My past will never change, but my actions today will change my future.

3-I Am A Person Of Action-I will create a new future by creating a new me.

4-I Have A Decided Heart- I will be passionate about my vision of the future.

5-Today, I Choose To Be Happy- My happiness is my choice. I alone choose my emotions and responses.

6-I Will Greet This Day With A Forgiving Spirit-I will forgive those who don't even ask for forgiveness.

7-I Will Persist Without Exception- I will stay focused even through the pain on my long term goal-happiness.

These sound simple. They are simple. They have to be my guidelines to achieve my long term goal-happiness. For so long, I was in a depression that I never ever thought I would ever get out of. I kept on drinking, hurting the ones I loved, and started to slowly kill myself with my lifestyle. I had no hope in sight. I prayed one night three simple words, "God Help Me". He has. He has given me some insight into my own life, and guided me to people who have been such a big help in my life the past 3 months.
I would like to mention 3 of my mentors in this area of instruction. Dave Harris, Mark Miller, and Mitch Barnhart. They are three good Christian men who have had their own struggles in life, and have used these seven steps to aid them in their lives. And thanks to God, they are willing to share their success with myself and others..
More to follow....Andy

How You Hurt The Ones You Love..

Has anyone ever said anything hurtful to someone they love? I'm not talking about family, i'm talking about someone special in their life. Someone who you consider a friend, lover, and an overall sweet soul? We all say hurtful things. But, do we ever stop and put ourselves in that person's shoes? Wonder what an impact those hurtful things have on that person?
Recently, I was asked to write an empathy letter. For those not familiar with this, you write a letter from someone's viewpoint that you have hurt. After you write the letter, you look at it, and there it is in black and white just exactly what, in your own opinion, the other person was thinking. This was an interesting exercise. I wrote the letter, which took about two hours to complete, and there was the ugly truth staring back at me. If finally hit me what I had done. This letter wasn't about my ex-wife, it was about a woman who was with me through my seperation and my divorce. She was also there for some of the ugliest incidences of my drinking.
I won't mention her name, but she will know from reading this. This sweet, beautiful, caring person came into my life long before my divorce as an acquaintance. I knew her many years before we started dating. She is happy, bubbly, quick-witted, and over-all, probably one of the kindest, most caring people I know. The side I know of her is very loving, passionate, considerate, and so wonderful to be around. She's the type of person that when she leaves the room, the fun seems to go right along with her. She's the one you start missing even before she has left the room. She can definitely make you smile no matter what mood you are in with just a look or a laugh. She also has the most beautiful smile i've ever seen....
Now, for the flip side of this story. Any man in his right mind would give his right hand to have a woman like this in his life. But, I didn't. I was so self centered, selfish, and consumed with my own wants and "needs" at the time that I totally ignored her and used her. I took for granted the love and attention she was giving me. Time after time, I would be consumed with my own addiction to alcohol, and I would purposefully hide from her. I wanted to drink instead of be anywhere near her. Many times, I saw tears in her eyes, knowing I had caused them, and I didn't care. All I was concerned with was getting away from her so I could drink. I never ever dreamed I could be like this to anyone.... But, I was.
She finally after a while had had enough, and she left. Rightly so. She left with a broken heart, and I kept right on drinking. How could someone do something like that to someone that special? It's easy. It's called being Self Centered. It is called being selfish. No one should have to put themselves through something like that for another person. But she did. Even after things I said and did, she still loved me enough to stick around. Until the day came when she had enough.
Now back to the empathy letter. I wrote the letter, and I read it often. It is one of the reminders of what my life was like, and a reminder of something I don't want to return to. Hindsight is 20-20, but mistakes like that one become lessons. The lesson learned? I must love God first, then love myself, before I can love anyone else. Loving myself is not drinking, putting other's wants and needs first, and giving to others what has so freely been given to me.. Love.
I hope this blog was helpful. And now a small message to the person i'm writing about. I know sorry's don't make things right. I know all you ever wanted was to be loved, and I didn't. I want to show you the letter sometime so you can see that I do understand now what you went through. And finally, the only true way I can ever give you back the love you gave me is by doing what I am doing now. Living a peaceful, love filled existance and doing something you taught me.. How to love others even when it is hard.... That is the lesson I learned from you....
Thanks for reading this everyone.. Andy

Truth Time.. A Life Renewed.. Cleaning House, Mending Fences, & Enjoying Life..

Well, it's been awhile since my last blog entry. I've had a lot of time to put things in perspective. Time to reflect, time to find what my true purpose in life is, and time to mend some broken relationships. Also in that, I include friendships, relationships, and also the new friendships I have begun.
I've learned that life is a balance of truth and grace. I've learned that too much of either one is a bad thing. Too much truth, and you make yourself and those around you miserable. Too much grace, and you're free to go about and do any reckless thing you want to do, consequences be damned. I will try to make this a good demonstration of both.
Truth Time:
Many of you know that I have had a struggle with my weight most of my life. I had gastric bypass surgery, and my addiction to food quickly turned to alcohol. I have been struggling actively with alcoholism now for about the past five years. The past 12 months have been the toughest. Last Memorial Day weekend (2010), I was hospitalized with an overdose of alcohol that almost proved lethal. I was admitted to St Joseph hospital in Lexington with acute alcohol poisoning. I was unresponsive upon arrival to the Emergency Room, and CPR was performed on me. I was in the ICU for 7 days following this. I awoke the following Friday to find myself restrained in the bed, on a ventilator with a tube im my lungs. The tube was being taken out, the restraints were removed, and I was in pain from pancreatitis. I still struggled with drinking off and on, and I finally have stopped. My selfishness was so great that I continued to drink even after this experience. I was not concerned about those who love me. I was worried about ME. Me and ME only. No concern for my parents or the women in my life who at first thought I was so sweet and kind, but when it came down to the woman or alcohol, alcohol won hands down. There was no contest. How many men do you know would sit there, have a beautiful, sweet woman tell them how much she loves them, and then turn right around and spit in the woman's face?? Many of you probably would think, "Andy wouldn't do that!!".. I DID. Not once, but about four times in the last 5 years. Yes, my life had come down to that.
Now, the Grace: I have had the opportunity to finally find what the root causes are of why I drank so much and why I was so addicted to food as comfort. I will share what I can of them later on, and some of them I won't. But it's safe to say, I have began healing. The healing hasn't been without pain. The pain is still there, but through God, prayer, meditation and good friends who suffer as I do, I no longer have to pick up a bottle to ease my pain.
I also had to realize that I am not the center of the universe. The world doesn't begin and end with me. I was so self centered and selfish that I didn't care who got in my way, I was going to drink. I was in a severe depression. I was finally able to snap out of the depression after many years.
Realizing all of this now made me wonder what my true calling in life was. I realize that the first half of my life as a firefighter-paramedic was to help out those in need. I now realize that I have a gift when it comes to helping those in need. In the process of cooking meals for the homeless and those who wouldn't otherwise have a good hot meal, I was finally able to humble myself and realize just how selfish I was. I first had to remember what Shakespeare meant when he said, "..to thine own self be true.." I have to love God first, then myself, only then I will be able to love others. I was always told by my friends I was loyal and a good listener. Now, i'm able to be a much better friend and an even better listener. Now I can truly be there for my friends and family 100% without any reservation.
Finally, I realized why I couldn't hold on to a relationship. What woman in her right mind would want to go for a boat ride on a sinking ship?? (Sorry, heard that one the other day thought it was funny) I have to love God and then myself before I could ever be any good to a woman. All I can say now is this.. I try not to run from relationships like I used to. When I'm smiled at, I smile back. I'm not afraid to open a door or pull out a chair. I'm not doing those things because they were burned into me as manners, I'm doing them because it is the right thing to do.
One last thing. Without mentioning names, there are going to be a few ladies who are going to read this and know that I am speaking of them. I want to take this opportunity to apologize for being selfish, insensitive, and uncaring. I will take time to apologize to you all.
Well, that just about does it for this blog entry.. More to come soon.... Andy

Stop The HATE!!

Recently at one of my meetings, a young, outspoken, (and in my opinion very beautiful inside and out) woman spoke out about being taunted as a child because of her weight. She spoke of the vicious taunts she received from school mates and how much it hurt. She then spoke of being talked about amongst her "friends" and even her family as an adult. The subtle little hints about how she's eating too much, and what made her break down and cry was the comment "No man will ever want you if you're fat".. This came from her mother.

This took me back to when I was taunted for being fat as a child. The pain of having someone you look up to and love telling you you're fat and the only way to stop the taunts is to lose weight. The gastric bypass I had dramatically reduced my size. I went from 505 lbs to my current 236 lbs. (I have been as low as 190 lbs). The looks stopped. The looks I was now receiving from women weren't looking at me as if to say, "oh, you poor thing you look like you feel miserable". The looks I was now getting were smiles, which lead to small talk, seeing what you have in common, then maybe an exchange of phone numbers. I still catch myself thinking from time to time (when I meet an attractive woman while i'm out shopping, eating, etc) I think, "would this woman even be talking to me if I was still 500 lbs.??)

Always having that thought in the back of my mind is not right. It comes from being told hateful hurtful things as a child. I sympathized with that young girl. I felt the same old feelings coming back. I caught myself beginning to cry. It STILL hurts!!

For those of you reading this, think about hateful things you have said.

I feel and I hurt for those young boys who have taken their lives because they were either gay or perceived to be that way. I can't say I know what goes on in their minds, but I do believe that being gay is not a choice. I think they are born that way. AND, you should not hate someone because they were born gay, black, mentally impaired, or handicapped. Being obese for me alot of people would say is a lifestyle choice. It is not. I have an addictive personality. When the food was gone after surgery, alcohol took it's place. I was born an addict. No one hates another person because they were born an addict, so why hate someone because they are born gay?

Being a straight man with several gay friends, I have a window into their world. I saw how a few of them were treated as children and as adults. I see the hurt they went through with their families. They are some of the best friends anyone could ask for. Also, I have friends who are alcoholics, obese, former drug addicts, and they are to me simply........ Friends..

Bullying.. Cyber or Otherwise..

Have any of you ever been bullied? Were you pushed around on the school bus by the big kids? Were you ever picked on because you were the fat kid? I was.
Now, were you ever picked on at work because you were different? I was.

Growing up for me was normal. I grew up on the farm, went to school, and suffered from bullying. I was taunted just for being the fat kid. It became such an everyday part of life for me, that I actually confused bullying for friendship. I would think to myself, "they didn't tease me today.. Are they mad at me?" That's not normal.

After I graduated high school, during that summer I lost weight. I made a conscious effort to lose some weight. I can't remember how much weight I lost, but it was substantial. I went into Eastern Kentucky University my freshman year with a different attitude and met a new set of friends. This is the time when I rushed a fraternity (and got in!), felt accepted for a short time. I was living away from home for the first time, able to spread my wings. Once I found out where the girls were, I was scared to death of being rejected. I eventually became less and less fearful of meeting girls in college. I thought it was just because I lost all of the weight I was getting attention from females. Looking back, I realize that it wasn't. They didn't know me before. They didn't know I was a fat kid. They didn't know me period. Even though I was more and more comfortable talking to females, that chip was still on my shoulder. Bullying was such a part of my life, I didn't know how to live without it.

After college, I came back home to work. I started to pick up weight again. It came back fast. I became so large, I wound up having to have gastric bypass surgery. During this time, I found myself being bullied at work because of my weight. I couldn't believe it. I was being bullied as an adult! It was a different kind of bullying, but it was happening. (and I have to add this.. Some of you who bullied me as an adult are going to be reading this, and I should have said this long ago.. You should really look at yourselves in the mirror and within before you EVER say anything or pass judgement to anyone again, because you are no prizes yourselves!)

Now there is cyberbullying. People are dying now because of being bullied. The recent trend seems to be toward gays. No matter how much you disagree with their lifestyle, it is wrong to bully them for it. Bullying is bullying whether or not you are male, female, straight, gay, black or white. It is wrong.

Next time you start to make a hateful comment to someone, take a look at yourself. Find something about you that you don't like. Then, imagine how you would feel is someone made a hateful remark about it.

Addiction and Gastric Bypass: Then and Now

December is fast approaching. This December will mark the eighth anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery. It seems to me like the past eight years have flown by. They have passed with many changes. They have passed with much heartache.

When I had my surgery, I weighed 505 lbs. I weighed a quarter ton. Many of my close friends remember those days. I was still working as a paramedic, and I was miserable. My ankles, knees, and hands would swell constantly from congestive heart failure. My diabetes was slowly taking my vision. My blood pressure was through the roof, and I had to take 2 injections of Insulin daily, along with a handful of blood pressure medication and diuretics just to be able to walk and function. I was dying.

The fix for me at the time was surgery. St Joseph East had just opened the Center for Weight Loss Surgery in sept of 2002 and I was one of the first patients. At the time I was the largest one. They put 2 tables together so I could have surgery. The counseling resources at the time were limited. They were pretty much non existent. There was no counseling pre surgery. There were no resources available like there are now. I went into surgery as a Hail Mary to save my life.

Fast forward to June 2003. Six months after surgery, I had lost 200 lbs. I had lost a whole person. My waist size went from 64 to 44. I was no longer wearing 6XL shirts, I was in 3XL. In just 6 months this happened. One thing about me didn't change. My mindset. I was struggling inside with not being able to eat. I would eat and get sick very often. Then I began experiencing abdominal pain that would be a daily curse for the next 7 years. This pain was controlled by medication up to a point. I found an alternative to not being able to eat. Alcohol.

From that point on, alcohol became a daily habit. It escalated to the point it overtook my life. Alcohol had replaced food as my comfort. I wasn't able to eat what I wanted anymore, but I could get drunk. Alcohol as we all know comes with consequences. The train of consequences from alcohol can range from hangover to health problems to legal problems. It can happen. I'm living proof.

I had experienced a phenomenon known as "addiction transfer". I transitioned from food to alcohol. It wasn't a smooth transition. It was hard. I went from being hungover to being hospitalized due to alcohol poisoning. It was hell.

Fast forward to today. For about the past 6 months, my abdominal pain was at it's worst point. I began bleeding and the pain would double me over. My old stomach and the new pouch (that was made from my old stomach) grew back together. The pain and bleeding was caused by the staples coming loose inside from the muscle growth. I thought I was going to die from a combination of drinking and this abdominal bleeding.

Now, for the past 7 weeks, I have been pain free. No bleeding, no pain, and for the past 9 weeks, no alcohol (owe that to God!!). But, there is one drawback. I am now back to square one. My old stomach and new stomach are rejoined. I am able now to eat anything I want again. That comes with the same old consequences though. I can gain weight again. I can rapidly gain weight. I have to closely watch what and where I eat. Places I once enjoyed to eat such as Golden Corral and any Oriental buffet, are potentially harmful. If left to my own choice, I would eat there every day. This is where Alcoholics Anonymous comes in. Just because I have transferred back to eating from drinking doesn't mean I'm going to stop going to meetings. Going to AA, listening and realizing I'm not alone, will help me keep from eating myself into an early grave.

So, I guess the moral to my story is this. Before considering having this surgery, read everything you can about addiction transfer. Deal with any emotions and crises in your life before having surgery. Use the surgery as a tool for wellness, not a solution to a problem!!