Stop The HATE!!

Recently at one of my meetings, a young, outspoken, (and in my opinion very beautiful inside and out) woman spoke out about being taunted as a child because of her weight. She spoke of the vicious taunts she received from school mates and how much it hurt. She then spoke of being talked about amongst her "friends" and even her family as an adult. The subtle little hints about how she's eating too much, and what made her break down and cry was the comment "No man will ever want you if you're fat".. This came from her mother.

This took me back to when I was taunted for being fat as a child. The pain of having someone you look up to and love telling you you're fat and the only way to stop the taunts is to lose weight. The gastric bypass I had dramatically reduced my size. I went from 505 lbs to my current 236 lbs. (I have been as low as 190 lbs). The looks stopped. The looks I was now receiving from women weren't looking at me as if to say, "oh, you poor thing you look like you feel miserable". The looks I was now getting were smiles, which lead to small talk, seeing what you have in common, then maybe an exchange of phone numbers. I still catch myself thinking from time to time (when I meet an attractive woman while i'm out shopping, eating, etc) I think, "would this woman even be talking to me if I was still 500 lbs.??)

Always having that thought in the back of my mind is not right. It comes from being told hateful hurtful things as a child. I sympathized with that young girl. I felt the same old feelings coming back. I caught myself beginning to cry. It STILL hurts!!

For those of you reading this, think about hateful things you have said.

I feel and I hurt for those young boys who have taken their lives because they were either gay or perceived to be that way. I can't say I know what goes on in their minds, but I do believe that being gay is not a choice. I think they are born that way. AND, you should not hate someone because they were born gay, black, mentally impaired, or handicapped. Being obese for me alot of people would say is a lifestyle choice. It is not. I have an addictive personality. When the food was gone after surgery, alcohol took it's place. I was born an addict. No one hates another person because they were born an addict, so why hate someone because they are born gay?

Being a straight man with several gay friends, I have a window into their world. I saw how a few of them were treated as children and as adults. I see the hurt they went through with their families. They are some of the best friends anyone could ask for. Also, I have friends who are alcoholics, obese, former drug addicts, and they are to me simply........ Friends..

Bullying.. Cyber or Otherwise..

Have any of you ever been bullied? Were you pushed around on the school bus by the big kids? Were you ever picked on because you were the fat kid? I was.
Now, were you ever picked on at work because you were different? I was.

Growing up for me was normal. I grew up on the farm, went to school, and suffered from bullying. I was taunted just for being the fat kid. It became such an everyday part of life for me, that I actually confused bullying for friendship. I would think to myself, "they didn't tease me today.. Are they mad at me?" That's not normal.

After I graduated high school, during that summer I lost weight. I made a conscious effort to lose some weight. I can't remember how much weight I lost, but it was substantial. I went into Eastern Kentucky University my freshman year with a different attitude and met a new set of friends. This is the time when I rushed a fraternity (and got in!), felt accepted for a short time. I was living away from home for the first time, able to spread my wings. Once I found out where the girls were, I was scared to death of being rejected. I eventually became less and less fearful of meeting girls in college. I thought it was just because I lost all of the weight I was getting attention from females. Looking back, I realize that it wasn't. They didn't know me before. They didn't know I was a fat kid. They didn't know me period. Even though I was more and more comfortable talking to females, that chip was still on my shoulder. Bullying was such a part of my life, I didn't know how to live without it.

After college, I came back home to work. I started to pick up weight again. It came back fast. I became so large, I wound up having to have gastric bypass surgery. During this time, I found myself being bullied at work because of my weight. I couldn't believe it. I was being bullied as an adult! It was a different kind of bullying, but it was happening. (and I have to add this.. Some of you who bullied me as an adult are going to be reading this, and I should have said this long ago.. You should really look at yourselves in the mirror and within before you EVER say anything or pass judgement to anyone again, because you are no prizes yourselves!)

Now there is cyberbullying. People are dying now because of being bullied. The recent trend seems to be toward gays. No matter how much you disagree with their lifestyle, it is wrong to bully them for it. Bullying is bullying whether or not you are male, female, straight, gay, black or white. It is wrong.

Next time you start to make a hateful comment to someone, take a look at yourself. Find something about you that you don't like. Then, imagine how you would feel is someone made a hateful remark about it.

Addiction and Gastric Bypass: Then and Now

December is fast approaching. This December will mark the eighth anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery. It seems to me like the past eight years have flown by. They have passed with many changes. They have passed with much heartache.

When I had my surgery, I weighed 505 lbs. I weighed a quarter ton. Many of my close friends remember those days. I was still working as a paramedic, and I was miserable. My ankles, knees, and hands would swell constantly from congestive heart failure. My diabetes was slowly taking my vision. My blood pressure was through the roof, and I had to take 2 injections of Insulin daily, along with a handful of blood pressure medication and diuretics just to be able to walk and function. I was dying.

The fix for me at the time was surgery. St Joseph East had just opened the Center for Weight Loss Surgery in sept of 2002 and I was one of the first patients. At the time I was the largest one. They put 2 tables together so I could have surgery. The counseling resources at the time were limited. They were pretty much non existent. There was no counseling pre surgery. There were no resources available like there are now. I went into surgery as a Hail Mary to save my life.

Fast forward to June 2003. Six months after surgery, I had lost 200 lbs. I had lost a whole person. My waist size went from 64 to 44. I was no longer wearing 6XL shirts, I was in 3XL. In just 6 months this happened. One thing about me didn't change. My mindset. I was struggling inside with not being able to eat. I would eat and get sick very often. Then I began experiencing abdominal pain that would be a daily curse for the next 7 years. This pain was controlled by medication up to a point. I found an alternative to not being able to eat. Alcohol.

From that point on, alcohol became a daily habit. It escalated to the point it overtook my life. Alcohol had replaced food as my comfort. I wasn't able to eat what I wanted anymore, but I could get drunk. Alcohol as we all know comes with consequences. The train of consequences from alcohol can range from hangover to health problems to legal problems. It can happen. I'm living proof.

I had experienced a phenomenon known as "addiction transfer". I transitioned from food to alcohol. It wasn't a smooth transition. It was hard. I went from being hungover to being hospitalized due to alcohol poisoning. It was hell.

Fast forward to today. For about the past 6 months, my abdominal pain was at it's worst point. I began bleeding and the pain would double me over. My old stomach and the new pouch (that was made from my old stomach) grew back together. The pain and bleeding was caused by the staples coming loose inside from the muscle growth. I thought I was going to die from a combination of drinking and this abdominal bleeding.

Now, for the past 7 weeks, I have been pain free. No bleeding, no pain, and for the past 9 weeks, no alcohol (owe that to God!!). But, there is one drawback. I am now back to square one. My old stomach and new stomach are rejoined. I am able now to eat anything I want again. That comes with the same old consequences though. I can gain weight again. I can rapidly gain weight. I have to closely watch what and where I eat. Places I once enjoyed to eat such as Golden Corral and any Oriental buffet, are potentially harmful. If left to my own choice, I would eat there every day. This is where Alcoholics Anonymous comes in. Just because I have transferred back to eating from drinking doesn't mean I'm going to stop going to meetings. Going to AA, listening and realizing I'm not alone, will help me keep from eating myself into an early grave.

So, I guess the moral to my story is this. Before considering having this surgery, read everything you can about addiction transfer. Deal with any emotions and crises in your life before having surgery. Use the surgery as a tool for wellness, not a solution to a problem!!

In Memory of Officer Bryan Durman LFUCG Division of Police..

This is a little blog that I've been needing to write for a long time. Anyone who has experienced loss, I hope you can benefit from these words..

Officer Bryan Durman's death has touched many, including me. I didn't know Bryan, but I know many who did. They are feeling sadness and loss of a good friend, co-worker, and mentor. When someone like that touches your life, it leaves a hole when they are gone. Officer Durman helped many people while in his job. Police officers these days seem to get the short end of the stick when it comes to recognition. Usually when the police department is mentioned on tv or in news, it is a bad occasion. We seem to hear the bad things associated with them and none of the good. Look at it this way. These men and women leave their families, put on a gun and a badge, and become moving targets every day. They have to be mediators, problem solvers, and care takers for total strangers. All the while making very low pay. Usually when we hear someone speak of the police, it is in the context of, "man, the cops are never around" or "all they do is ride around and do nothing.." Believe me all the police officers I know are not like that. They work hard, they have families, and their job takes up most of their time.

I worked for 20 years as an EMT, Paramedic, Firefighter, and as a police and fire dispatcher. I wanted to do it all. I got to know many police officers from different agencies. All good people, and hard working people. One of my closest friends is a retired police officer, and all the things he went through in his career got him a retirement and a watch. Even he is hurting now by this tragedy. He didn't know Officer Durman either.

As far as loss, in my career i've experienced it also. Feb 17, 1997 I lost a very good friend in the line of duty. Chuck died doing the job he loved. I felt a terrible loss that I never really started dealing with until the last 8 months. I didn't share about it very much, I dealt with it in a different way. Now I am able to tell the story. On the night of his death I spoke with him on the phone. I was working in LFUCG fire dispatch that night, and I took the calls and put out the initial dispatch. My 29th birthday was coming up that week, and Chuck and I talked about him and bunch of others going to Hooters to celebrate my birthday that week when we were off. That was the last time I talked to him. About 4 hours later, I took the call and sent them to the fire where his life ended. Many years have passed, even though when the investigation was over and his arsonist was sent to prison, I still second guessed myself on many things.. Did I miss a mayday on the radio? Could I have done something differently? Even though I did everything right, I still second guessed myself.. That's called guilt. My friend and co-worker was dead, and the guilt and sorrow just kept festering.

Now I am free of those feelings. Through talking about it, praying about it, and choosing a career as an alcohol and drug counselor, I can continue to work through these things. Any of Bryan's co workers who may read this just remember this.. It is okay to be sad and to grieve. Grieve and lean on each other, talk to each other, pray with each other, and get back out there and be the best you can be..

FEAR!!

As many of you all know, I have been happily divorced for three years now. My marriage wasn't perfect, and the blame is 50-50 in that department. But enough about that. I learned a valuable lesson from my marriage, and I have forgiven and moved on.

We all have demons in our lives we must confront. In the past 8 months, I have had to confront mine. It was a battle. If it wasn't for God, I would have let my demons kill me. Both physically and spiritually. It is such a refreshing feeling to be able to wake up now without unwanted worry and fear. There is enough trouble in this world put upon all of us without having to bring it in upon ourselves. I had to learn how to forgive, and that was hard. Just being able to forgive hasn't totally solved my problem.

The big fear that I have is being able to trust. I still find that I have difficulty in being able to let that go and be able to trust someone. I always think what do they want or what are they up to?? What do they want from me?? When all they want to do is give love, I still have that tendancy to push them away.

Relationships are still scary for me. Everytime I get close to someone I push them away. I don't want to be hurt. I have someone now and she's been a friend for a long time. That relationship is progressing, and it scares me. There is mutual attraction, but a lot of baggage on both sides. It is a good friendship, but the attraction is getting stronger. Right now it's not a good thing. For her more so than me. She has things in her life she must deal with, as well as I have issues to work on. She isn't very understanding about it right now, she wants everything to just fall into place and it isn't going to. I'm trying so hard not to push her away now, but she sees it as just that. I respect her opinion, but I just wish she would see things differently, because a good friendship like ours is hard to come by.

I will say that I am scared to death of being hurt. I sound like a big wuss but that's how it is. I just feel if I jumped into a relationship, I would ruin it. We would both be hurt, and a good friendship would just go down the toilet. I may sound selfish, but not so selfish that I want the friendship to go away. She's beautiful (I MEAN FINE!!). And on top of that she cares about me!! That means so much, but I pray that God will dictate the time when things will be right in our lives that it will work out. And if it doesn't happen, so be it.

Marriage, Break-Ups, and Everything In-Between..

After a very productive morning at church praying for my friends, family, and everything else.. I need to express some things and get them off my chest. I have a really close friend, and yes he will read this, but he shall remain anonymous.. He and I had a long conversation last night and then a little while today. He is in a bad situation right now. His wife of 10 years packed up and left him. The only thing she left was their daughter. I talked to her last night also, and she is not abandoning her daughter, but did not want to upset her daughter's routine for a couple of days. Normally I wouldn't involve myself in a situation like this, but the two of them have been really good to me the past several years, helping me through my divorce by offering me anything I needed. Luckily I didn't need their help, but they would both do anything for me.

I have watched the two of them at each others throats the past month. I have been an outside observer and they both confide in me. I know the real story of their situation, but I will not let on that I do until one of them admits it. The one who will ultimately suffer the most in this situation is their daughter. She hears and sees mommy and daddy arguing, and she starts to cry. Uncle Andy here had the good luck of being there for one of their arguments, and all I could do was pick up their 3 year old daughter and hold her tight while mommy and daddy had their little scream fest.

The only bright spot in their arguing is there is no physical abuse going on. She would tell me if their was, and so would he. They both know how I feel about domestic violence, and they know I could tell if it was going on. Still, this has to stop between them. Their daughter needs them.

The whole ironic thing about this situation is this. They both told me how I needed to quickly rebound from my divorce and go out and find the next Mrs. Andy. This was 3 years ago. They both tell me that I'll be so happy, and I need to get married and have a whole boat load of kids. These things were said as recently as 2 weeks ago. I really believe they say these things for only one reason. They miss being single and dating. They miss having a social life, and not having to answer to anyone.

Now, don't get me wrong on this. I would love to be married to the RIGHT woman, be a good father, and settle sown. That will all come in God's time, not mine. When He is ready for me to settle down and commit, it will happen. I absolutely refuse to go out on a wife hunt or be set up on blind dates just because my friends think i'm lonely. There are no bills, my house is paid for and rented out, and I am happy. My life is drama free, and I really like it that way. God has someone for me, but not right now. I have several things in my life to accomplish before that happens..

So if any of you read this and it hits home in a good way, i'll be happy..

So Very Fortunate..

There is a time in everyone's life when they are down. There can be several ways of being down. We can be "down in the dumps", "down and out", "down on our luck", or just plain down. Many people recover from this quickly. Many of us will take a longer time of snapping back. But, there are those of us who have to take the whole journey. The journey to hell and back. Sometimes that journey turns into permanent residence in hell for some people.

When we decide to stay for awhile in hell, we find that everyone else is against us. Every bad thing in our lives that should have made us stronger has made us so weak, that hell seems like a long lost home. We feel we're content with the life we've made and we can't imagine living any other way. We like to blame all of the people that have led us to hell. We remind them all of the time that it is because of them that we are here in hell. We decide to give up. Hell is the life for us. There is one thing that is notably absent in hell. There are no mirrors. There is a reason for that. Mirrors are a gateway to the real reason why we are in hell. If we look in the mirror, we see the REAL reason we are in hell.

Because WE choose to be.

If it sounds like i'm speaking from personal experience, I am. I chose my own brand of hell for many years. Everyone else who loved me put me there. It was all their faults. I wasn't to blame for any of it. That was the lie that I believed. Granted there are some people in this world who take great joy in the suffering of others, we still choose to let them affect us. We don't see the great strength that God has implanted in each and every one of us. We eventually get to the point that God has to show us that we have that inner strength. We get to the point where God has to say, "..pick yourself up, dust yourself off, put your Big Boy undies back on and get back in the game!!"

We also suffer from blindness. We don't see that our loved ones (friends, lovers, family) aren't out to get us, but truly love us and we continually turn them away. We don't want any help from anyone. We don't want to be bothered. We don't see the love that is shown to us. We don't return that love to others either. There is only one way to be able to return that love that has been given.. We have to begin to love ourselves!!

That begins for us by giving up and getting out of hell. Look in the mirror, and see the REAL problem. Trust in God also makes us stronger. Letting Him take over our lives will eventually bring new and welcome change to our lives. John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.

We have to lay down that old way of life. Give it up. We have those we love to think about. This post is to all of my friends. All of those who love me and who have stuck by me through the past several years. It has been a rocky road, and it still is an everyday climb. Things in this life will try us all. There will be suffering and sorrow, but in the end it is all what we make of it. Kanye puts it well.... That that don't kill me can only make me stronger..

I love you all very much!!

Covering Just About Everything....

I have to say this.. I love this life. When you can talk to someone you haven't talked to in a long time, sit and talk for three hours, and cover just about everything in your lives from the most tragic to the terribly funny, that is a blessing. It just doesn't get any better than that. Having my life isn't bad. I used to think that things were not that good. But now, my outlook has changed the past several months, and things only keep getting better. It just goes to show one simple fact.. If you ask God anything, in His time, your life will be blessed.