Struggles With Weight and the Hatred That Comes With It..

I read a Facebook post from a friend today about weight struggles. As many of you know, I've battled my weight all my life. I still struggle with it today.
A quick synopsis of my story, I grew up battling obesity. I wound up at 500 lbs 10 years ago and had gastric bypass to save my life. I now weigh 250 lbs but it hasn't all been a bed of roses. Overeating turned to alcoholism, and all of the problems that go with drinking.
What is inspiring me today is simple. Dr Martin Luther King said "I have a dream". We all have dreams. We have hopes and desires to live what we perceive to be a normal life. For someone who has a weight struggle, our dream is to be smaller. We diet, exercise,try hypnosis, and in the extreme case, have surgery. All just to fit in and feel good about ourselves. It's hard enough when you're not happy with yourself to look In the mirror everyday, then you have to leave the house and deal with others.
For me, I was comfortable for a long time with my weight. I had always been big, and it was normal to me. My big struggles came with others. I had been a firefighter and paramedic for twenty years of my life. I ALWAYS had to go the extra mile when it came to doing my job. There was always someone there waiting for me to fall on my face. It wasn't one person, it was many. If I had a quarter for everytime I heard a coworker criticize my weight, tell me I'll never be able to do my job, or flat out state their distaste of working with someone who was overweight, I'd be a rich man! It even came down to my employer cutting my pay and transferring me because they said I was too big. If I hadn't gotten a lawyer and threatened to take them to court, they would have gotten away with it. In the end, I came out on top, but at a cost. People I once looked up to and trusted showed their true colors and became irrelevant to me. It also left me very bitter. The only saving grace I have now is Karma. The ones involved in this period of my life have found themselves not achieving what they wanted in life, whether it's not being promoted to chief, not staying in their position of power, or simply retiring because of their attitude and actions they had gone as far as they were going to in their career. Does it give me satisfaction to see these people self destruct? At one time I thought it would, but now it doesn't. It's really sad.
After surgery and weight loss, I thought things would change. They didn't. I had developed a distaste for firefighting and being a paramedic and I wanted out. I got out. At times I miss the good times and good friends I made but for the most part I'm glad to be away.
When I read about how people still have hatred and distaste for someone because they're overweight it still gets me angry. Not only because of weight now though. It also angers me when I see someone treated badly because of skin color, gender, nationality, or religious preference. Also how people are treated because of their lifestyle choices. Hey, it's their life. It's their business. Let them live their life the way they choose.
Jesus told us to love one another. I don't think we're doing that. I include myself in that. I fall short everyday. We all need to be more considerate of others feelings. Next time you think of cracking on someone because of their weight or just because they're different than you are, just remember that person has feelings and emotions. Also remember that person may have it a whole lot worse than you do.
Remember, that person being hated on could be you..

Accepting Good Relationship Advice

Last night, I talked to an old friend I hadn't chatted with in a couple of years. She asked how I had been, how things were going, etc.
The conversation turned to dating. She asked how things in that department was going, and I told her things were kind of stagnant. She is in recovery like me, and she asked the usual questions. Especially the big question; am I taking responsibility for what is mine.
My answer was yes, I'm beginning to accept my faults, not blaming others for my problems, and accepting responsibility for my faults in life and relationships. She told me this is a sign of growth. To someone like me that is a big compliment. I have spent most of my life being selfish and blaming others for my problems, and I am finally to the point in my life where I accept total responsibility for my actions and faults.
She knows my dating history, and we talked about past relationships. After a lengthy conversation, she rendered her verdict. She told me I am a rescuer. She, being an avid Jersey Shore fan, told me I'm a "Snooki Magnet". Her explanation of that is my personality and attitude naturally attracts females who are consumed with drama and are looking for a dominant man to rescue them.
She said that type of woman looks to someone like me as the solution to their problems. She also said that that type would bring me down in their hell with them. Misery loves company.
I've received this advice from her before. I didn't listen. Now, I will.
In my defense I will admit I am too nice sometimes. I don't want to be the bad guy and at the same time I want to put my foot down. I have to find a happy medium. No man In his right mind wants to be a jerk. I don't,  but I do need to accept the fact I need to be assertive in a kind way.
All of this sagely advice came to me for free from someone I trust. Not only is she a recovering alcoholic, she's also a highly educated therapist and life coach. I got some good wise advice from someone who charges good money to dispense it.
Who says good things in life aren't free..

To My Friends.. A Confession..

I want to address this blog to my close circle of friends. The ones who have been there for me the past fifteen plus years.. You all know who you are, and to keep from having to call each of you individually to explain, here is the condensed version.
In 2001 I was married. Just to give a little insight on this, many of my close friends were against it. Even as late as one hour before the ceremony, two of my best friends took me out of the church and asked me if I was sure of what I was doing. I told them I was happy and I wanted to go through with it. I lied to them.
At the time I weighed 450 lbs. What was going through my mind at the time was totally selfish. I  thought at the time I was going to die soon. I had been through several bouts of congestive heart failure, and to put it simply I didn't want to die alone. Even if it meant being married to a woman I didn't love, In my mind I didn't want to be alone in the end.
Admitting this to everyone is hard. My close friends thought I was out of my mind. I was. I wasn't blinded by love I was consumed by selfishness. Its no secret to my friends how the relationship was. They would tell me their concerns and I would promptly dismiss them. But being the good friends they were, they stuck by me anyway.
I feel I need to address this because my friends to me are like family. Growing up as an only child you really learn to value your friends.  My closest circle of friends, Josh Ben Ross Matt and Ernie are my brothers. Each of them voiced their concerns and I ignored them. For that I'm truly sorry.
Admitting you're in a loveless marriage is hard. Mostly because of ego but mostly from selfishness. When I had gastric bypass my life changed. I had a new lease on life, but still my marriage wax there. It took until 2006 to finally get the courage to leave. At that time I knew it would get ugly, and it did. in  that time, I fell in love. I fell in love with one of the sweetest girls I'm the world. But, my drinking being what it was, I pushed her away. I broke a precious heart who wanted nothing but my love, and all I gave her was misery. For that I'm truly sorry and have learned it must not happen again.
In closing I want my friends to know this. I did hear what you all were saying but I chose not to listen. It was selfish of me and from the bottom of my heart, I apologize. You all mean so much to me, and without you all I don't think I could have made it through the rough times.
I truly do love each one of you..

Facing fear head on..

Facing fear is something that is difficult for many.. There are many forms of fear, from the smallest things such as spiders, all the way up to paranoia of facing life and leaving the house..
I've found myself operating in fear for many years. The past twelve years have been the most difficult. I can't pinpoint when it began or what even started it. I do know this though, It can cripple a person. It can make you so fearful that you will reject every opportunity of loving someone.
I have had several women in my life in the past who have wanted nothing more than to give love and in return, be loved by me. And then me, being my usual untrusting self, either found a way to sabotage the relationship or just walk away. That isn't being smart, or even being a player. That's called being a little boy. Being a coward!
This New Year, I choose this: not to be selfish, put others needs before mine, and finally begin to trust. Many have trusted me at face value, and it's time to return the same. I know im going to have my heart broken and my feelings hurt from time to time, but that's just part of it..
I do have a lot of love to give. Love is made to be shared, not hoarded.

Concession Speech

I've titled this entry as my "concession speech".  You may be wondering why I would choose this title, well sit tight and I will tell you the backstory..


In a snapshot, ever since I was a child starting at age 7, I began having problems with my weight.  I remember the winters of both 77 and 78 being the times when my weight began to really rise.  I was home for months at a time due to the snow, and all there was to do was eat.  No cell phone, no internet, just a stereo, black and white tv with 3 stations, books, and my best friend growing up..  The refrigerator..  All there was to do was eat.  I ate, and ate, and ate at times until I was sick.  Mostly I ate out of boredom at first, but it wasn't long until food became my comfort and escape.


Fast forward to age 13.  I was smack dab in the middle of puberty, and still struggling with my weight.  I was in the 8th grade, and I weighed 250 lbs..  My current weight.  About this same time, I was really curious about females.  I didn't have a girlfriend, but the opportunities would   arise when I would want to be around them in a social setting..  So here enters my buffer.  I was shy around girls, and self conscious about my weight.  I found out quickly that alcohol was the ultimate social lubricant.  So, I drank to fit in.  Something else happened..  I began to have courage, and I was all of a sudden able to talk to (or, spit game) to women.  This at age 13 was a valuable tool, but it came with aa attachment.  The ONLY time I felt comfortable around girls was when there was alcohol was around.  This continued into college, and then into adulthood.


One year ago, Nov 13th to be exact, I was arrested for DUI 2nd.  This was par for the course when it comes to my behavior.  I had almost 6 months sobriety under my belt, and I chose to have 1 (ONE) drink on a date.  Here was my thought pattern that led up to this decision.  She was 28, gorgeous, intelligent, sweet, you name it.  I felt very nervous being on a date with her.  I was intimidated for 2 reasons.  One, she asked me out, and two, I STILL felt so self conscious about myself that when the hostess asked if we wanted any drinks before we order, we said yes.  Before I go any further, I want to say that she can't be faulted here..  I never revealed to her my past alcoholism, nor did I share my nervousness with her.  This was all my fault.  I accept full responsibility for my actions.  There was no stressful incident to trigger this, no flashbacks, no trauma.  Just me wanting to loosen up about being out with a beautiful woman.


When the date was over, I had already reverted back to my old habits.  I was sneaking off to the bathroom, and walking by the bar and ordering double shots of Absolut.  By the time dinner was over, I found myself out in the parking lot, being asked the following question, "Do you want to come over and watch a movie??".  Any red blooded American single man (especially a 42 year old) would have jumped at the chance to go back.  But, the old thinking had already taken over.  I told her it was too late and I couldn't, but we would do this again some other time.  I had other things in mind.  She was about 5' 5", about 120 lbs, sandy brown light curly hair, beautiful green eyes, a wide inviting and beautiful smile.  I didn't notice that at the time.  All I was fixated on was the big Liquor Barn sign over her left shoulder across the road..  Once she left, I made a bee line across the street.  I purchased 2 fifths of Grey Goose, and headed home.  She was a distant memory very soon.  All I wanted was more of the juice that had made me feel so good..


 Fast forward to now.  I have spent the past year on a personal journey of discovery.  I had to once and for all put behind me the old person I once was.  Gone now is the selfish, self centered boy, and now, only by the grace of God, is a forgiving and loving man to take his place.  This easy to sit back and day, also easy to write, but when it comes down to it, it has to be walked!  If any of us want to truly change, we have to walk it.  Like the old saying says, if youre gonna talk the talk, walk the walk.  By the grace of God, I try to walk the walk every day. 


This isn't a cure all though..  It has to be practiced each and every day to be fully realized.  I have to have this new forgiving and loving attitude every day, or I will wind up right back where I began.  I don't want to go back there.


The reason why I called this a concession speech is this..  My old lifestyle and thought processes are gone.  I have conceded my old life.  I don't miss anything about it, and I am very blessed for what I now have:


                                                       Peace........

Knowing When To Quit..

Someone once said that mistakes are lessons that you learn. It's hard to grasp that concept, but for the first time I truly have.

I have discovered that a friendship that blossoms into a relationship has many pitfalls. There's jealousy, envy, worry just to name a few. Plus, there is the fear of telling a friend exactly what they need to hear. In a friendship, a good friend will tell you what you want to hear and what you don't want to hear. In a relationship, that is hard when you have feelings for the other person.

Ive learned an important lesson. I can't do that right now. Not to say there arent any feelings for her anymore, because there are. But the friendship needs to be preserved, because she (who shall remain nameless for her privacy;) is probably one of the smartest, sweetest, most beautiful people Ive ever met. I cant expect things to be perfect all of the time, and neither can she. Thankfully we both realize this and we both can learn from it and move on.

Not to say it doesn't hurt.. It does. But, as an adult, I realize that things will be better and we will remain friends. I wish I had this wisdom earlier in my life, but like everything else these things take time. Growth takes time..
Andy

Fear and Recovery

For many years, I have been afraid. Many people have normal every day fears, but I take it to the extreme.. I have fear of being hurt. I have a bad bad fear of being hurt in a relationship. That leads to lack of trust and a whole list of issues..

Last night, a beautiful friendship about 2 years in the making went that extra step.. Of course me being an insecure man, I didn't see it coming, and if you haven't guessed yet, I didn't make the first move.

I operate in fear. I operate on the premise that things are going to go wrong. I also have low self esteem. I have a very beautiful, very sweet, very smart friend who is someone I can call at a moment's notice.. She is everything you would want in a friend. Last night, it went that one step further. Today, i've been walking around like a giddy teenager, but I also have that nagging feeling that I'm gonna do something to screw this up.

I have told her this, and her answer was, "you cant walk around with your head buried in the sand any longer.." She was right. I can't. But the feelings of impending doom are there. Knowing my past history when it comes to relationships, I have it there. It also doesn't help matters to know that whenever we are out together, she is being looked at because she is beautiful. It's not jealousy on my part, it's feeling so undeserving of anything good.

I have to work on the self esteem. I want to feel deserving. I told her last night how I didn't deserve to have her in my life. Her reply was, "I feel at times like I don't deserve you.."....

Wish me luck!! Andy